TEENAGE FEVER

10

"Hello sweetheart,"

I held the phone to my ear, chewing on the end of my pen. I could feel my mother hovering in the doorway but refrained from saying anything as I didn't want to be rude. I knew she wanted to hear what we'd be talking about but I aimed to stay silent until she left. I turned to look at her, eyebrows raised, and she sighed, raising her hands in defeat before she disappeared from view- probably not out of earshot.

"Hey Dad," I said, setting the pen down so that he wouldn't think I was mumbling. He hated mumbling almost as much as he hated communism. I could hear him breathe loudly as he probably tried to get to the reason why he called me. He decided to small talk me instead.

"How's California?" He asked, "Know how to surf yet?"

I chuckled. "Not yet but I'm getting there," I told him, just to make chit chat. My dad was a busy guy. He wouldn't just call out of the blue if he didn't have something important to tell me. I let a moment of silence pass before I decided to get the conversation to go where I wanted it to. "So...how's New York?"

"It's getting colder. And it's an empty city nowadays....without you here," he said. Ah. Here we go. He sighed, "I met your friend. Addison. She said she misses you."

I bit back a scoff at that. Sure she did. That was why my phone was blowing up with messages from her. Oh wait, it wasn't. "I miss the city too," I told him instead, opting to not be bitter. "I miss you, dad."

That part though, was true. I missed my dad. Even though he was hard to be around sometimes, he still was my dad. He was still the person who called  me his princess and made sure I was happy. Most of the time. When we weren't discussing my future.

"I miss you too," he said, "infact...."

There it was. The reason he had called.

"Look, I know you're still getting used to this divorce and everything but...I was wondering if you wanted to come over for Christmas. Just you and me," he said, "I have a few meetings on Christmas Eve but that would be the perfect opportunity to catch up with your friends. Then we could spend both the night of Christmas Eve and Christmas day together. "

I didn't answer immediately. In my head, I had pictured Jaden, Uriah, Jenny and I on the beach on Christmas Eve, just relaxing. By then, I'd know them more. And they'd be like family. I could feel it. I never pictured my Christmas is New York. Just thinking about it made me shiver. My dad obviously sensed my hesitation because he sighed.

"I talked to your mom about it. She said she'd be fine," he told me. I immediately felt guilty about the fact that mom wasn't the first reason why I didn't want to leave. I swallowed and nodded my head, despite the fact that I knew he couldn't see me. He spoke again, "Princess, you don't have to decide right now. Just let me know. Even the day before, let me know....I just want to see you."

"Okay, dad," I said. I couldn't bring myself to say a full sentence because of the image that popped up into my head. One that brought a lump to my throat. "I love you."

I could imagine him on the other end. In my head he was sitting on the grey couch in our living room, his eyes on the tv which was displaying a virtual fireplace. He had a cup of coffee on the coffee table, his tie loosened as he anticipated another night alone.

I imagined his smile as he said, "I love you too princess. Always have, always will."

As soon as the call cut the tears started dropping. It was like as soon as I'd set foot into this small town, every memory of New York had become distant. Calling my dad opened fresh wounds though. It was like I was remembering every aspect of my life now like it was the first time. My first day at school, meeting Addison. My first kiss. Everything that made me the person I was today. Who was that person?

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I turned to face my mom. She was crying silently. Her shoulders were shaking and her eyes were red and that was the only indication I had that she wasn't okay.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I'm sorry for ruining our family and for making you have to choose who you'd be with this Christmas instead of spending it with both of us. I'm...sorry for ruining you life."

Her voice was choked, making a huge flood of emotions rip through me like a current until I felt like I would never stop crying. I slid off my chair, onto the ground and she sat next to me,  running her hands through my hair.

We sat like that for what felt like an hour and I knew what was happening. We were grieving the death of my family. When we'd moved here, I was so fixated by the fact that this was a new beginning that I didn't think about the life I'd left behind. I didn't think about the fact that I would wake up every morning without hearing my dad whistling outside as he got ready for work or that Addison and I would never sneak into a club again.

All I had thought about was the fact that I was a new Maddie Clearwell, with a good reputation. I felt my mom brush her fingers over the scar on my elbow. I had gotten it when Addison and I had gone skating in the 6th grade. I remembered that day clearly, like it happened the day before. I had been going too fast and skated off the rink, stumbling on the carpet until I landed by the seats with bruises everywhere. I had only noticed that I had cut myself on one of the metal seats when Addison shrieked at the blood dripping down my arm.

And that was the problem. I was always going too fast.

"You know," my mother said, "I've been waiting for you to break down for a while now."

I looked up at her, an eyebrow raised.

She wasn't looking at me. She was looking at the door of my room, her eyes distant. "When your dad and I told you we were getting a divorced, you just stared at us for a while. It was like you were processing it in your head," her voice was dazed. Her fingers ran through my hair once more. "Then, you just nodded like we'd told you I was going out to buy milk. You nodded and you stood up and you left the house. Where did you go?"

I remembered that. I had been so dazed that I had walked out of the house without any particular destination in mind. I had let the noises of New York City drown out my thoughts. I never really had a spot that was mine in the city. I just went around and stayed in my room and partied and shopped.

But that day, a few weeks before I had to move away, I truly saw the city. I saw the tall buildings and the people on the streets and the people working minimum wage. It was funny how I had spent most of my life here and I was only seeing it for the first time when I was about to leave.

"I went around," I told her, "I ate from a  hot dog stand for the first time. I went to Central Park. I was everywhere."

"You were everywhere but where you actually were. In a broken family," she tilted her head, resting it on mine and I let out a deep breath, sure that I was going to cry. "And you did the same thing....when that thing happened."

She was talking about it again. It had happened almost a year ago but here we were, bringing it up again. Just when I was beginning to be okay. "Mom," I sat up, "Let's not talk about this. Please?"

She hesitated for a moment before she nodded with a slight sigh. "Okay. I'm sorry," she said. I nodded, my eyes still straight ahead but my mind on that one night. That damn night.

"You excited about the dinner tomorrow night?" My mother asked, deciding to change the subject. I was quiet for a while, still deep in thought until I sighed and turned to look at her.

"Mom," I said, "thank you. For being there at the hospital afterwards. And going to the therapy with me. Just....thank you for everything."

She kissed my forehead, squeezing me as if I would slip away if she loosened her grip at all. "I love you,"she said.

And for a moment, the weight of the past wasn't crashing down on me. For a moment, just for a moment, it felt just like old times.

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