venting poems

my problem

I feel like a hole is in my heart. I have everything i've ever wanted, but I still feel empty. I felt the blade on my leg. I feel the tears welling up. I hear them coming up the stairs to get me to go down there. They don't know the stinging. They don't understand my pain. They don't know what I hate about myself. They dont know that I'm fine with myself physically. They don't know that what I hate about myself is me as a person. I despise the disgusting being that I am. I am nothing more than a selfish and manipulative biotch. I'm cranking living dead boy and chainsaw by graveyardguy as I suffer silently. A pain that I can't control, a place that has no exit because of the lockdown. A place with rage across the world. The place were I will die. I will die on this planet. I will die alone and sad. I will die by my own hands. I cannot see my own future. Everything is blurry. I can't believe I have a bf. Who in the world would ever want me? I'm disgusting, I'm mean, I- I can't do this anymore. I've hurt so many people. I hurt Hawaiiansong230. (check her out) I hurt myself. I hurt a boy that I won't name. I've broke so many hearts. I have been spiraling down into a static where I can only hear ringing. Someone please save me. I hate myself so much that I want to change. I'M OKAY WITH MY BODY, I'M NOT OK WITH MYSELF AS A PERSON! I AM A DISGRACE AND I DISSAPOINT MYSELF BECAUSE I HAVE ONLY EVER DISSAPOINTED MYSELF AND OTHERS. YOU COULD ASK THE DEMON THAT WAS MY FIRST GRADE TEACHER, SHE HATED MY GUTS. I HATE HER GUTS. She never believed in me. She pretended that she cared. That year, I think that Hawaiiansong230 and I felt victimized. If I guessed the names correct, our bully is Tayler. In my story, our bully will be named Elisa. My name will be Darcy. (these are fake names) Hawaiiansong230 will be named Nadia. Elisa manipulated Nadia and I. We were very young, but it hurt me, and Nadia too. Nadia and I had this thing called 'secret best friends' and I felt better about myself, not sure about Nadia though. I would often cry, unable to understand why one day, she would be my friend, and the other day she would make my life miserable. You know what? My problems don't matter, I don't matter. Bye. (check out graveyardguy, a great musical artist, and Hawaiiansong230, a great friend of mine, a soon to be singer/songwriter, and an amazing writer. ok, cya)