im just going to tell you about my pain and wish of death.
i need to let it out somewhere right? no.
i want people to see a part of me really not many look at.. but dont look at me i'll cry.
im paranoid and all i think about is if people are staring...
why cant i stop feeling these things? every moment of the day i feel their presence behind my back..., watching. they stalk me through my dreams, and my 'should be' happiest moments . i never thought i would ever sit and waste my day taking the blades out of pencil sharpeners, slicing my body up, starving myself until i pass out, and listening to weight loss subliminals non-stop . but who would ? the thought of depression to people is just someone who is goth, no feelings, hates theirself and everyone around them , and even cant be left alone one second without worrying you'll come back with them dead. i hate those stereotypes because in reality its SO much more.. however nobody seems to see that. i have suicidal thoughts 24/7 and my parents make me see a therapist. I cant feel anything but sadness, im numb from the joy that i should have as a teenager ! im always worrying about how much calories i take in and quickly work out to burn them up. WHY COULDN'T I HAVE JUST BEEN HAPPY ? calories mean alot to me, i hate them so much. i look in the mirror and all i see is a pig. i try so hard to look skinny but i still always come back to see a existing stomach. my eating disorder doesnt help me at all. but thats for another chapter ! its so hard for me to be a good friend, its so hard for me to be perfect, why? I wanna stay inside all day, I always just want the world to go away. A loss of innocence, The ugliness of being a fool, even a sadist...
isn't youth meant to be beautiful?
everyday i cry and feel like a whore, this isnt the life i dreamed of..
i always try to hide the fact that im aching and just want to leave, but sometimes its just too hard :( i just wish i could be normal....
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sorry this entry was so short :< but there will be longer ones i promise !
now... picture of the day!!!!
picture category is: kawaii
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