Mean

Part 3: I'm messed up

After that event, I felt a disturbing sense of possessiveness over him. I think its because I began to notice my own feelings. But I have yet to fully acknowledge it.

I wanted him to only think of me, to only pay attention to me, to only feel happy when he's with me, and to only spend his time with me.

I know its silly and unreasonable, but that's how it is. That's how I felt.

It's nonsensical. But the mind is a complex thing, nobody's one hundred percent sure how it works and why it works that way. Just like how I can't explain this unhealthy feeling I'm developing.

And that feeling is the main ingredient to my recipe of disaster.

I was walking in the hallway, feeling good about myself after a very successful class. An elective class that I didn't take with him. I managed to embarrass the teacher by exposing his lack of intellect. He shouldn't have entered the education field if he can't even answer a question like that.

Anyway, as I was saying I was walking in the hallway, classes have ended and people are now heading to their after school activities. I was looking around for Sean, I haven't seen him all day. And I have to admit I kinda miss the guy. I texted him a couple of times asking where he is but he's not replying. He is so dead when I find him.

Then I saw him. He was in the school courtyard surrounded by a group of people.

Sean is pretty popular among the student body. He's the sort of guy you could always count on that's why a lot of people asks him for favors. Which in turn created a large network of friends for him.

Just like now, people flock around him. He was surrounded by a large number of geeky looking people. I don't get what Sean sees in them when they're considered a loser by the school's hierarchy. Sean is weird that way, he gets along with everyone even with losers.

I walked toward the group to rescue Sean from what I'm sure is boring company. I mean come on, they talk about nothing but geeky things, where's the fun in that? Even goody two shoes Sean will be bored with that.

But I guess I was wrong. I was getting close to the group when I heard laughter. Sean was laughing with the geeks. His lips curves up and his eyes shines bright. He looked happy. He looked perfect.

I stopped and watch him for a moment. I observed his smiles, he was genuinely happy. Happy without me.

Usually I love his smiles, they have this soothing effect over me. But this time I hated it. So much. I hate that he was laughing without me. I can't see my face but I'm pretty sure it would be twisted with hate.

I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!

Why is he laughing when he's not with me? Shouldn't he be sad and craving for the sight of me? Just like I do. He didn't even notice me approaching. What's up with that?

He should only laugh when he's with me! He should only feel happy when I'm with him! It's unfair how he can laugh with other people when I can't. It's unfair!

I felt betrayed. It was a ridiculous and unjustified thought, I know. But I did.

I only felt happiness when I'm with him (and sometimes when I'm pushing people around which certainly isn't fulfilling and certainly isn't true happiness). I was only fully and truly happy when I'm with him.

I believed that it was only rightful for him to feel the same. He loves me, doesn't he?

I was angry at him. Very angry. I wasn't able to think straight. I might sound like a crazy person developing some unknown syndrome but at that time I believed he deserve some sort of payback.