saturday/day1-
1.00 p.m.
*awake*
fuck..
i didn't want to wake up. i was having a much better time asleep. and that's really sad. it was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved.
but i..
i woke up into a nightmare.
✧.｡. *. ┊┊┊┊ · ° ┊┊┊✯ • * ┊┊☽ * · ┊┊ *┊✯ ° °☽ * · *
after i went to shower, aku just lock myself in my room.
baring atas katil, wrap myself in a blanket
i've been locked for a day, fikirkan about one thing, the most important thing:
about what i want in this life.
y'know when we were kids, we always had a dream about once kita dah besar, nak jadi apa.
when i was a kid, i remember seeing all the other ones having dreams.
orang ni nak jadi doctor, orang tu nak jadi lawyer
and, thinking about that, i realize that i never had a dream. if teacher tanya aku, besar ii nak jadi apa, aku just tiru orang sebelah aku.
if they say, "they want to be a doctor."
then, i'll also say, "i want to be a doctor."
just to make the teacher bug off.
why?
i am not smart. i am not creative. i am not socially fun to have around. i am not organized. i am too weird. i am too anxious.
AND!
i am too sensitive about things that i shouldn't be and too uncaring about things that i SHOULD care about.
so realizing once again that i have no talent. why should i keep living?
some would say that i should live to experience more things in life but i don't want to anymore. there is nothing in this life that i want to do anymore or, if there is, i am not aware of it.
i am thinking about killing myself but i have no courage to do it. "think about your parents" duh, they never understood my feelings.
most would want to explore the world and it's infinite possibilities, to find what they want in this life but i don't want anything. it is meaningless. at the last, most important moment of our lives, it will always end.
we will all die, never to find why we exist in the first place.
i just want some reason to get out of this abyss.
