It has always bothered me. How a person can give away a part of themselves for someone without having any assurance of receiving something in return.
The world is a cruel place, what's given can be taken away in a snap of one's fingers yet there are people who are willing to give everything up, not for themselves, but for the sake of those that surround them.
It's cliche, and ironic, how they are willing to move mountains and wander through worlds of unknown for other blood-fueled vessels but resists to give themselves a helping hand.
That shit, is called love. The concept is too idealistic for me to deal with all that crap. Why would I spend time and effort on someone without the means of having something in return or the guarantee that they will be a permanent character in my life? Don't get me wrong, no man is an island, but I believe that being a fool for another person's life is unnecessary.
But then again, what's given can be taken away.
What if, I never gave anything away, what would be taken from me?
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The moon is the only thing that I look up to, figuratively and literally speaking. Growing up in an orphanage has taught me how to become independent and never trust anyone. Never. Not in this lifetime where I was forsakened by my own parents.
Yes. I may be selfish as it sounds like, but I don't need anyone's validation. My feelings are valid, always have and always will.
Luna Stella; I refuse to acknowledge the "family name" that was left by my father for me because afterall, I don't treat anyone my family.
The only thing I'm thankful for is the fact that I'm named after something that is actually dear to me, the moon and the stars and everything in between.
The vast gases and extraordinary celestial bodies are the only things that are always here for me. It's as if there is a connection between the universe in me, telling me that I will be alright, no matter what.
"Tel, kakain na. Nasa baba na ang ibang bata, may mga bagong dating din, baka gusto mong makipaghalubilo sa kanila." The mother figure of this orphanage stood still beside the door frame as she instructed me to start my day, Tita Gracia. Bali-balita na isa raw siyang sawi sa pag-ibig, iniwan ng kanyang pinakamamahal matapos tulungan na maipundar ang isang negosyo. Pinagpalit sa isang Amerikanang mayaman. That's my point, sacrificing something for someone then you'll get replaced, left behind, and thrown as if you're just a piece of trash.
Hindi siya gaanong katangkaran. For her age of 30, mas matangkad ako sa kanya ng mga tatlong pulgada. Sa tingin ko ay mga 5'4 ang kanyang taas, payat at maputi ang kutis. Nakaugalian na niyang i-tali sa isang bun ang kanyang itim na buhok. Karespe-respetong tao, ngunit iniwan din. Pag-ibig. Pagmamahal. Mahal? Murahin nalang, p**a.
"Susunod nalang ako. Kailangan ko lang tapusin itong thesis ko." Malapit na akong magtapos ng kolehiyo. Isang defense nalang at graduation nalang ang kelangang hintayin.
I'm not after the graduation itself. I'm longing for my life after that, my freedom, my decisions. Oo, independent akong tao ngunit hindi mapagkakaila na kailangan ko pa ring respetuhin at manirahan dito sa orphanage dahil makakaalis lamang ako rito kapag ako ay may pantustos na sa sarili.
Naramdaman kong gumalaw ang gilid ng aking kama, si Tita Gracia pala. Akala ko nakaalis na siya.
"Tel, alam kong gustong gusto mo nang makaalis dito sa orphanage, pero huwag mo namab sanag pwersahin ang sarili mo. Alam kong may pinapasukan kang trabaho, kahit itago mo pa sakin. Graduating ka na, nagawa ka pa ng thesis mo, baka naman hindi ka na nakakapagpahinga nyan." Ani nya. She has always been good to me and I can tell that she's is genuine to me, hindi pilit at hindi napipilitan dahil lang sa lumaki ako rito. But affection? It disgusts me.
"Okay lang po ako, tita. At kayo na rin ang nagsabi, gustong gusto ko nang umalis dito." Bumangon na ako at nagtungo sa may banyo "Salamat po, pero kinakaya ko pa. Kakayanin ko. Kelangan."
Tita Gracia sighed as she walked her way towards the door of our bedroom, our because this room is occupied by 5 orphans, including me. Ako ang pinakamatanda. Hindi man malapit ang loob ko sa mga kasama ko sa kwarto, maayos naman ang pakikitungo namin sa isa't isa dahil kahit papaano ay mayroon kaming pagkakapare-pareho, at yun ay ang maiwan ng mga taong kasama dapat namin sa tahanan.
