The Poker Chip Flipping Prison Chaplain

Bucks Remembers Petula

As Buck relaxes in his beloved recliner at home, he thinks about the people he has lost: his parents, his Uncle Ted, his friends Ronald and Karl, and his wife Petula. Friends ask Buck, "Why do you keep that old chair? That worn out, ugly chair sticks out like a sore thumb in the middle of all your nice furniture. You should throw that chair out." The recliner looks bad, but it is comfortable. The recliner is special to Buck. Buck had bought the recliner and another chair for Petula's nursing home room so he and other visitors would have places to sit.

One evening, Buck read a quote to Petula about hope by Arie Brouwer, a Reformed Church in America leader who died of colon cancer in 1993 at the age of 58. Buck knew Paula would resonate with the quote. Arie Brouwer said, "My feelings of hope are strong. I am not filled with dismay or anger or bitterness. This is true in spite of the aching disappointment I feel related to the people I want to be with and the things I would like to do in this life....This experience of hope in spite of everything is to me even more important than the experience of faith in spite of everything....I am profoundly grateful for both." After Buck read the quote to Petula, she said, "That is exactly what I have been trying to say."

Buck was exhausted after visiting with Petula in the nursing home. Buck was drained physically and emotionally. He was dreading the one hour drive home. Buck did not think he was alert enough to drive home. Petula's roommate was in the hospital so Buck decided to spend the night in Petula's room even though it was against the nursing home's policies for a visitor to spend the night. Buck spent the night in that recliner. The next morning, Petula said, "I always sleep better when I know you are nearby." That comment meant the world to Buck.

Buck remembered a poem that he and Petula had written together. One morning, Buck had finished about half of the crossword puzzle in the morning newspaper. Feeling stumped and defeated, Buck handed the crossword puzzle to Petula and said, "Here, please finish this." Buck was thinking, "She'll never get 18 across." A little later, Petula handed the completed crossword puzzle back to Buck. With his ego stung a bit, Buck retreated to another room to contemplate life. He thought about how Petula had been struggling with this rare muscle disease called polymyositis. He thought about all her pain and suffering and about how this affected their whole family. Buck started writing a poem about suffering. Buck handed the poem he had started to Petula and he said, "Here, please finish this." And she did. The completed crossword puzzle and the completed poem were similar. The second half was a little more impressive than the first half.

Here is what Buck and Petula came up with.

Suffering

Is the best yet to be?

It's not up to you and me

We can only place our trust in God.

But I'm losing my patience. Is that odd?

People are always telling me God won't give me more than I can handle

Have they ever walked in my shoes? Have they ever tried on my sandal?

I want to ask God "Why?" and "How Long?"

I want God to answer me. Is that so wrong?

Then I open my eyes and what do I see?

My soul mate, my lover reaching out to me.

He lifts my spirits when I feel lost

And he cares for me no matter the cost

Is this God's answer to my wounded soul?

My prince is here and he makes me whole

Buck quoted the poem in a sermon and he said, "And so, Petula and I march on together embracing each other and embracing life and embracing the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit."

Petula died February 2, 2015 at the age of 48 after nearly eighteen years of marriage and thirteen years of battling a rare muscle disease called Polymyositis. That is why Chaplain Blakenbuhler was sad every morning when he entered the prison gate. He would have loved to have told Petula about his adventures at the prison. So many stories would have made her say, "That's awesome, Buck." Other stories would have made her shake her head and say, "Buck, what were you thinking?"

Buck leaves the recliner and walks to the garage and looks at all of the unpacked moving boxes. One box catches his attention.

Buck looks at a box labeled "Music." The box had taken a beating in the move. He thought to himself, "There is nothing in that box that I need. It must be full of song books and sheet music that had belonged to Petula. She was the musician of the family."

Something is telling Buck to open up the box that was marked "Music." Buck opens the box and right on top is a song Petula had written. It is called " To My Husband." Buck grabs the poem and walks back to his recliner. Buck sits down and reads these words:

To My Husband

I've seen snow-capped mountains in the early dawn.

I've seen tropical beaches and waterfalls,

But I've never seen the sunset, and I've never smelled the rose.

And I've never felt this feeling of this sand between these toes.

And when we kiss, it's like the very first time.

I've awakened beside you for many years.

I've cooked your meals, and I've cleaned your clothes.

But I've never seen you in just this light.

And I've never held you quite this tight.

And when we kiss, it's like the very first time.

Some say, "After awhile the passion fades,

For a married life that's the price that's paid."

But you satisfy a yearning that is deep inside my soul.

You can keep the fire burning.

You know how to make me whole.

And when we kiss, it's like the very first time.

Seems like everyone's looking for something new.

They have places to go,and so much to do.

But I don't need azure oceans, nor Mountain tops to climb.

All I need is your emotion and a small bit of your time.

And together we will find our peace of mind.

That poem is now in a frame on Buck's bedroom wall next to a picture of Petula.

Buck listens to the rain as he sits in his recliner. Buck loves rain. He loves to walk in the rain and to listen to the rain. Buck grabs a notebook and a pencil, and he writes this poem:

When it rains, I think about you.

When the thunder rolls, I picture your face.

When the clouds open up, I imagine your embrace.

As I walk in the rain, I wish you were here.

When I listen to the rain, I know there is nothing to fear.

As I run in the rain as it covers the land,

I wish you were right here holding my hand.

Buck falls asleep in his recliner that night. He had not slept that well in a very long time. Buck sleeps well because somehow he feels that Petula is nearby.

Buck hopes that when he leaves this earth, he will leave like he leaves the prison every evening. He wants to leave with a sense of gratitude. When he walks into heaven, he wants to enter like the people who enter the zoo. Buck wants to enter heaven with sparkles in his eyes and a smile on his face. He wants to walk in triumphantly as he anticipates a wonderful eternity.

Buck walks in the prison that morning without the sense that the prisoners are happier than he is. He walks in counting his blessings.