Allegedly

Chapter 2

Estera

I have settled in Warsaw and the city although large and somewhat overwhelming started to become bearable. At first, the hussle and bussle of peoples' every day lives just didn't fit with my mentality, I hated being rushed. Unlike most people here, I liked to work at my own pase and enjoying life and a healthy mind as well. But adapting to my surroundings forced me to change my attitude - and start seeing the good in the situation. I needed to stop being so pessimistic! It's not like I can change my situation  and return to Toruń. For now this is my home, and I have to accept it and its city. 

The good and the ugly.

 Living in misery and being discontent with everything, multiplied my worries, the stress and the negativity. A heavy stage of depression hit me - but I never liked to talk about these things because I knew that people around the world have greater problems than me: there are people that don't have food, shelter, clean water, heating, clothes and a permanent good job. I didn't feel like it was my place to ask for help with my depression as they would just laugh it off - a young woman with a well-paid...no, VERY good paid job lives in a semi-luxurious apartment and suffers from depression?!

 But anyway I tried to find the solution to my problem myself, I started spending more time on reflection. I read books and watched documentaries on positivity and how to lead a happy life and almost in all of them they recommended to make a list everyday of at least 5 things that i am grateful for and meditate on them. For example, although this may not be the place I would ideally live in, one thing that I'm grateful for is that I don't have to wake up as early because everything is so close: my work,the shops, the bus stop, the train station and even the airport. 

Little things like this made my life way more easier to deal with here in Warsaw.

I always had mixed feelings about returning home - Toruń, but I admit they were mostly positive. I couldn't wait to finally see the city. It is a small city but packed with rich beauty, it is a historic city therefore full of monuments and impecibable architecture from the olden-days. The nature too is breathtaking, especially the river Wisła, which is the longest in Poland. 

I love visiting the place and having the sensation that I am exploring it from the beginning. Always finding out, or trying something new. But my personal favourites are the nights there. My parents (and where I used to live), live on the outskirts of Toruń in a not very busy area so the silence and quiteness dominates. The stars that are glued onto the sky seem more numerous here and bigger - with some of them I could trace their faint shape.

However, there was a part of me that dreaded when I used to go home. It wasn't my family - well not all of it. My younger sister - Amelia - also moved out after she got married, so I saw her from time to time. My dad and mother remained in our family house in Toruń. I was always closer to dad than to mother - she didn't let anyone to feel loved around her. 

Dad was the complete opposite, he sacrificed a lot so that me and my sister would have a happy childhood whereas my mother was an arrogant, selfish alcoholic that even threteaned my sister with force repeatedly. However, my mother's acts weren't out of her personality or were influenced by the way that she grew up - she was sick. Dad agreed to take care of her and when she was on her meds, I guess she was doing better and not hurting anyone?...

But still, there was this exhausted look over his face each time I saw and each time it was unknown if mother would react well to the meds or bad, and the doctors would have to prescribe different ones if she went a bit violent.

 It was a mental and physical battle for us but mostly for my dad - he knew her the longest, he loved her - at least once, and now he's the one taking care of her - a person that is far from what a woman, wife and mother should be. Everytime I met with my parents, dad and I normally went on a trip or a hike and caught up, whereas when I returned home I only exchanged a few words with mother as I didn't want to trigger anything - like last time.