Allegedly

Chapter 4

Estera

This is too much for one day. Coming back to reality, a cold but delicate hand pressed against the trickle of cold sweat on my forehead.

Estera, Estera I think we should call the ambulance, what if she-

Dont be ridiculous Halina

The faint voices clashing together. Inaudible speech. Circling in my head but now, they werent far away and faint, they were coming closer and closer. Until to the point that my brain could make out the unknown. Its like they were right here, breathing on my ear.

Estera, my name being repeated in a cycle. Before my mouth could protest on them calling the ambulance, my eyes opened slowly, giving them the reassuring gesture that Im fine. Almost immediately, the rest of my body followed. Awakening.

We sat there in silence for what felt like hours, well not complete silence. The sound of the rain flooding its surroundings added to the awkward and uneasy ambience, that hung heavily in this dismal room.

I didnt know where to start, how to even form my thoughts and condolences into words. When people are in grief it is especially vital to pick and choose the correct words, even the wrong gesture can be seen as a dagger twisting itself into an already healing wound – making it even the more painful. I know that from my experience, I pick up on little things when someone tries to console me, its easy to pin point a fake smile, an awkward hug or words that are overwhelmed with pity – which we dont want! But my situation is nothing compared to Robert and Halina – not only losing their beloved daughter but also finding out that someone killed her, taking away her life that was not meant to end yet. Thats why I find it immensely hard to even try to comfort them – this is a dangerous path; at the same time, I want to show empathy to them because I do to an extend understand the pain. Its like having precious porcelain in my grasp – because of its fragility, I hope not to break it.

Halina said that Alinas friend that found the body reacted to the news or rather the sight of Alinas death the same way. She too fainted. I still remained silent.

After some attempts of small talk, I joined in. And honestly when I started, it ran smoothly. The intimidating conversation went better than expected. This helped me to realise how difficult it must be for people who want to comfort you – I didnt think about how they must feel, knowing the delicate state of the situation. Sometimes when you are overwhelmed with grief everything and everyone that surrounds you irritates you and you forget to think about other people and the reality of the anxiousness they must feel when trying to console you. To be patient and not expecting perfection is a skillpeople will mess up with words, maybe make the wrong gesture or uncomfortable ask nosy questions, they are not perfect. The problem is in me, in ourselves, stubbornness and being critical drives you further away from them helping to soothe the pain. I should be more patient, welcoming and realistic. So, I guess one thing learnt from today.

Showing empathy – not pity – truly brings you closer to a person. Listening the grieving parents of Alina warmed my heart, in a way that I didnt think it would. It reminded me of what Alina, and I used to be, when we were bonded together, inseparable friends, partners in crime. But that was long ago, times have changed unfortunately.

Alina and her family moved away suddenly in 2004 to Berlin, and that was the end of our friendship, ultimately. Without saying nor a goodbye or a reason for why she was going. Instead of crying and paining for the departure of my close friend – my sister, my tears were streaming down not with just melancholy but frustration and anger. How she treated me as if I were a disposable friend – worthless. Not deserving an explanation or a chance. There are no other words than to express this as mindboggling. But perhaps, this was the sad truth, I wasnt that of a close friend to her as she was to me. Irreplaceable.