[Old] Spam Book

Saying Goodbye To This Book

The alternative title to this chapter is "I'm a trainwreck." So, yeah, life is fun.

This has been a spam book for me since I first joined wattpad. The first chapter of this is from July 4, 2017 - a little over three years ago. A lot has changed since then, both for me and for the world (*cough* pandemic *cough*). I hate saying it, but I was a child then, I'm still a child now. I did stupid shit and I do stupid shit and I cringe about so much stuff in this book but I don't regret any of it. When I'm no longer a kid, once I'm married, once I have my own kids, I'll be able to look back on this book and know what was going on in my brain.

So much is documented in this book for me, even though chapters are on average insanely short. I made my first online friend in this book, came out to someone in this book, got my first masc haircut in this book, got my first dog in this book, had my first crush in this book, started talking to the love of my life in this book.

Wattpad means a lot to me, and I'm not at all leaving the site, but I'm finally giving up on this book. I've struggled to keep it alive in the first place, and it's done. This is a chapter of my life that's long over with, and me clinging onto it is just another example of how terrified of change I actually am.

I'm gonna make a different spam book. I won't unpublish this one, but it's gonna go officially dormant for a while, even though it unofficially was for about a year. I've grown up online, and even though it's been in a discrete way compared to child celebrities or anything, I'm still so damn happy I did it. There's so much embarrassing stuff on here that will stay for years to come. I know people who deleted their internet stuff from when they were in their  preteens or early teens, but I can't do that. None of the stuff in this book is bad, but it shows how my humor's evolved, how my vocabulary has adapted to the internet.

Nobody will follow my new spam book, or maybe everyone will, who knows. I know only a few people following this one still do, anyways. And that's 100% okay. A spam book is a place to just be myself, not putting on any acts. This book has done that for me successfully, but I need a new start, a place to be myself in 2020 when I'm in high school, not single, living through a global crisis.

I don't know if anyone will read this, maybe I've just written five hundred words into the void, and that idea is comforting, as is the idea of someone hearing what I'm saying right now. This is sort of a justification for me, and although I'm not the most fond of what I'm doing, I know it's right. It's a minuscule thing for most people, but for me, it means the world.

I love you. I don't know who's witnessing these words, but I love you. Thank you for everyone on this stupid, horrible, glitchy app for always lifting me up and nurturing me. It's been a wild ride, and it won't end anytime soon.