Kingfisher

Seven Deadly Sins

"What I can't stand is that life doesn't give you a dramatic ending that finishes off a story arc. It gives you something horrible and painful, and then we all have to keep on living, knowing that just by continuing we're watering down that moment and undermining its narrative neatness. It feels so unfair. As though just by keeping on living and processing the pain, I'm robbing her of the one last peice of power she had; the power to give our story a dramatic ending," said Astrid. "I'm sorry. I'm not being very articulate."

"Sweetheart, it's OK. You don't have to be articulate," said Rosie, kindly.

"I know, and I think that's what kills me. The fact that it's just grief, like most people experience. Almost everyone in Irresponsible goes through something like this. Loses someone. And I didn't even know Ida that well. What I hate is that it doesn't even get to be a big, dramatic turning point—it doesn't even get to be that. It just hurt and that's it."

Astrid had recently taken to wearing an old analogue watch and it filled the void between her sentences and Rosie's, replacing what might otherwise have been silence with a constant reminder that time passed. Tick. Tick. Tick. As always, time passed.

Ida had killed herself.

She hadn't written a note. That would have been irrational. But it had become accepted in Ivyarch House that Astrid understood why Ida had been driven to suicide, though the group had never spoken really about why her interpretation of Ida's thoughts was regarded as canonical. Astrid said that Ida had done it because she had been unable to control herself; the ideal of being perfectly rational had fallen out of her reach—and it had been too much for her. She had preferred to carry out one ultimate irrational act, ending her life, than end up trapped in a situation where she would be unwilling to repress and defy her emotions. For just a moment, her feelings had become part of her, and the shock had just been too much.

Astrid started to cry again and Rosie held her gently as she pushed her head into her hands and sobbed uncontrollably. "I'm so sorry for being upset," she tried to say. "God, no I'm fucking not. I don't know. It feels like I don't really have the excuse for it."

"It's OK, Astrid. You're allowed to feel like this; you're allowed to feel however you feel. And of course there's a reason for it," said Rosie. "Ida might never become our ally but she became our friend. We've lost someone we cared about. Of course that's hard."

Ida stood up from the table, not bothering to wipe her eyes. "I'm going out for a walk," she said. "Just along the river."

"Remember to be careful," replied Rosie. "If you're going outside the fence you should bring someone with you."

"I'll bring a gun and I'll keep my eyes open," said Astrid firmly. "And I should be back before Aodhan's attempt at dinner. Is he awake yet?"

"No, I think he's hungover, or whatever the equivalent of being hungover is for chugging DXM-based cough syrup. I'll wake him up, don't worry."

"Thanks Rosie." Astrid paused, and added more sincerely: "Thank you for keeping things going here. I can see that you're finding it hard and I really appreciate it."

"It's only been a few days," she replied. "You're allowed to not be together yet." Rosie smiled at Astrid kindly and tried unsuccessfully to keep her sigh of relief inaudible from her as she left the room.

Ida had guessed correctly about the location of the so-called "Ivyarch House"; the brick and log cabin was an old bunkhouse that had once been part of a campsite on the border of Wales and Herefordshire. It was now a small rebel stronghold on the border of WW and WE6-R, hidden from the world by the river's steep-sided valley and the dense woods, and largely forgotten about by the authorities. When Ives Blackwood had discovered the Irresponsible cell here they had thought they were done for, but Aodhan and Ives had got on like a house on fire and in the end they had been allowed to continue existing if they agreed to leave the South-West alone.