THE LOVE STORY OF A NARCISSIST

Life has always been a rollercoaster, sometimes the assertiveness as we go higher, the rest that goddamn downfall. Oh wait, thats just my moodswings"
Hi, I'm Eda, Eda Daniels, and this is my love story, more like a journey you could say.
The journey of accepting myself to be a narcissist and of course the downward spiral of love. Thats just the way i see it. Well , "Cant tell a narcissist their point of view is wrong now, can you?"
I've always been convinced that i have a strong character , or lets just say convinced that nobody has a character as strong as me. Been an all rounder during school, most of my high school passed rebelling, and college, that's where this all began.
I have a lot of friends, and trust me i take pride in knowing so many people, the twist here is i switch from calling them friends to acquaintances real quick. So quick that it feels absurd to me sometimes. Always felt I had the upper hand over everything because i am optimistic turns out i just am competitive, so darn competitive that it resulted in self destruction in no time. Few months back, i wouldn't even accept all the flaws I'm accepting right now, trust me not even one. I was convinced that im perfect, so perfect that anyone who had me should consider me the best thing that has ever happened to them . And i wont lie, ive had failed relations and now that i look at it, i was the one that failed them. It all started a year back . I got friends i called family, never knew that they'd actually become family . I was self involved, rebellious, mean, lets just say i was a complete disgrace. Approximately 3 years ago i met Chase, Chase Shaw.
Nahh, not the guy i fell in love with. But definitely the guy who showed me what love really was. Chase and i had been friends since high school . He was funny, kind , a little smart, or atleast thats what i thought. Chase seen me in my real form, lets just say in all my forms. As surprising as it sounds, he accepted me. He accepted me as his bestfriend.
I once read it somewhere " Narcissists are cowards, they love making people fall for them and vanish, it gives them a kick" i did not know this was true until that one day Chase claimed to be in love with me . I'm not a bad person, and duh, im human so i make weak choices, i let him in. I let him in my hideous world. I let him know he was in love with a monster who did not even know she was monster yet, thats what made her more dangerous. He decided to stay, and me being myself i kept hurting him. I kept hurting my family. And as much as i hate to accept it, i kept finding pleasure in it. And as the quote mentioned, narcissists are cowards, i left him. I told everyone around me i left him for his wellbeing, but deep deep down in the burning pit of my stomach i knew that it made me happy . Don't get me wrong, his pain did not give me pleasure, but the thought that he was in pain because the perfect girl had gone just kept inflating my damn mind. I left Chase, we weren't friends anymore. Turns out when someone is truly in love with you, you can't go back to just being friends. I kept going on with my life.
Thats when Theo Miles decided to take a stroll in my life. He had the prettiest smile I'd ever seen, his eyes made me so calm that i still remember the first time our eyes met, he smelled like the earth when it's hit by the first rain, his hair so perfect i couldn't even use a simile. I immediately had the undying urge to make him mine, just another competition for me. I wont go in the depths. But let's just say i won him, and the moment i won him to my surprise i wasn't satisfied. I kept trying to win him over, but i just wasnt getting enough of the adrenaline. Still we're talking about me here, i get easily bored, i thought I'll grow out of this when its time too.
Days passed, months passed. I had realised by then Chase had left a void in me, a void none other could fill. I remembered his words when we were buddies, when we were together, when we were miles apart. I hadn't seen the guy for almost 5 months now, i still hoped I'd bump into him at our regular hangout spots, but what i didn't relaize was, i kept going to those spots hoping I'd see him. That was the first time i questioned myself, why did i leave him in the first place. That war in my head led to me distancing myself from Theo.
I decided to end everything with him too, and just as i did, he cried. He cried like a little baby not knowing what he had done wrong, or why i left. But just as i turned my back and started walking away from him. My chest felt heavy, for the first time i questioned my decisions. I couldnt help it, i ran back to him, hugged him like ive never been loved. That's when i realised i couldn't see Theo in the state i left Chase in. I forever am going to live in guilt for putting Chase through whatever i put him through.
I still haven't seen Chase, i haven't spoken to him. He's gone. He's gone so far nothing i do now could make a bridge. Somehow he forced me to better myself as a person, as an individual. The identity crisis i didn't know i had was suddenly solved. Chase is always going to be my family, even from miles away. I hurt him and cant undo any of it. But my love and respect for him runs deep.
But let's just say , the boy who fell in love with me showed me the mirror and taught me how to fall in love. As they say the people in your life are either a lesson or a blessing, well Chase Shaw was definitely the blessing that taught me a lesson. A valuable lesson.