La niña

Published Date:
July 11, 2020

Have you ever questioned your self, 'do I deserve this?' Or something like, 'am I worthy for this kind of pain?'

Have you ever found yourself drowning in the depths of nowhere, screaming and feeling helpless?

Have you ever felt lost? Missing and trapped in a place where you can't get out?

Many people told me 'it's just pain. It's not even that serious. Pull your shit together and move on!'

But they didn't even know what I'm going through. They didn't even try to understand me. All they did was to judge me and act like they knew and they care, when the truth is they don't.

They didn't know that I'm losing myself, they didn't know that my life is in chaos, they know nothing..

My parents filed a divorce and left me as they continue living their lives. I couldn't concentrate studying, little did I know that I've failed every subjects and got a failing grades bacause of it. Later on I found out that my boyfriend, that I thought loves and understands me, cheated----with my best friend.

I'm at the edge, I lost everything. I lost my parents, I lost my best friend, I lost the person whom I thought loves me and lastly, I.. I lost myself.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to go back, or.. Or where am I..

I'm at my room looking at the moon the I decided to take a walk. I grabbed a jacket and started walking.

Ngayon ko lang na-realize na isang linggo na pala akong naka-kulong sa bahay.

I walk and walk as the cold breezy air hugs my skin. I look around and my eyes were fixed at the playground where me and my parents used to play when I was little. Suddenly, my tears keeps on dropping as I walk near the playground.

Pinagmasdan ko ang seesaw na lagi naming sinasakyan ni papa, ang carousel (merry-go-round) na palagi kong sinasakyan habang naka-alalay si mama..

I stared the playground and cried. Then suddenly, I remembered how my parent's left me..

Kasalukuyan akong naka-upo sa itaas na bahagi ng aming hagdanan habang pinapanood ang aking mga magulang na nag sisigawan.

"HOW COULD YOU LIE TO ME?! PAULIT-ULIT NALANG JOHN! NAKAKASAWA NA! YOU ALWAYS CHEAT AND ACT AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED!" Sigaw ni mama

"Panong hindi ako mambababae, kung puro nalang ganito? Lagi kang nag hihinala, ni hindi mo manlang pinapansin ang mga paliwanang ko!" Depensa ni papa

"Hindi ako mag hihinala kung wala akong pag hihinalaan John! I can't believe I've married such a disgraceful cheater! I wish nakinig nalang ako kay mama na wag kang pakasalan, you're a worthless cheater!"

"Yan! Dyan ka magaling! Sa panunumbat! Alam mo, sawang-sawa na'ko sa ganyang ugali mo! I had enough!"

"At ikaw pa ang may ganang magsawa? Alam mo, kung ayaw mo na edi umalis ka! I had enough either. Let's part ways, im filing a divorce!" Wika ni mama saka umalis.

I silently watched them fight as my tears keeps on dropping. Their so busy yelling at each other, not knowing that they have a child listening.. A daughter.. They didn't even realize that they have a daughter whose silently crying, watching her own family breaks apart..

Weeks later, my mom moved out, my father move out, then just like a blink of an eye, I'm all left alone in our ancestral house.

"Ma! Pano ako? Sasama nalang ako sayo, ayoko maiwan." Pakiusap ko kay mama