An Average Day

feels

I hate when people play with other people emotions. I'm having so much drama in the relationshit department I don't even want to see another human being ever. Like I have feelings for one of my ex's still and he let's on like he still has feelings for me and everything but the second I try to be affectionate at all he shuts down. Then there's Brandon I've known him for a good chunk of time and he flops back and forth between how he feels about me and he says he doesn't care then he gets insanely jealous. I know who I want and its Taylor. But he's going back to school and he's going to be constantly busy. And he lives with his grandparents so its not like I can just stay over there to be with him because they're super old fashioned and won't allow it. And then there's my best friend. In a way I'm in love with the idea of being with him. We're literally perfect for eachother. He's my best friend for a reason. But our past.... I can't just get over how things happened when we were younger. I told him I loved him when we were in sixth grade and he just looked at me like I had just ran over a baby giraffe. Then we just kind of stopped talking. Yet, no matter what we go through or how much time has passed we're always there for each other. And we know the time gap is there  and the time without eachother hurts and its real. But it doesn't feel like it was there  its so easy to fall back into our routine of things. Right now I even want to be on the phone with him until I fall asleep. But instead I'm writing this because I'm upset about guys that aren't even that important. Sigh... Why does infatuation have to be so strong like... I wish I knew the difference sometimes..  My life would be so much easier if I knew the grey area. I either eat too much or not at all. I either sleep forever or have insomniac days. I feel too strongly or not at all. I don't know what gray is... I guess I never did and I never will.... I just wish I didn't have to miss him as much as I do... Either of them... I just want to spend all day with one and all night with the other... I wish I could have my time with my best friend and my time with him equally. . but I can't exactly have either one of them in my lives right now. I don't want to put the burden of me on any ones shoulders.... No one deserves this... Not even me. Which says a lot because I usually take full responsibility and say I deserve everything. But not this. I wouldn't wish my life on my worst enemy...