ATEEZ: Remnants

[Yeosang's Time - The Star]

"Don't worry, I'm eating. Yes, yes, I'll message you again once I get the chance. Mhm, thank you Mom. Good night."

His last words trembled as Yeosang tried his hardest not to let his voice shake. His mother was quite a perceptive woman; unlike him, who had trouble expressing his own emotions, let alone notice other people's. As he hung up, he already missed her gentle voice, but she also had a gentle soul and he couldn't bear to break it any more than he already has. He doesn't tell her about the month's critical evaluation that had been stressing him to death these past few weeks. He doesn't tell her about his bloodshot eyes from both all-nighters of practice, and from crying. He doesn't tell her that he struggled with even the simplest of her questions nowadays, like had he been eating or sleeping properly. He hadn't bothered to ask about the rest of the family as he knew they probably had their own happenings to deal with and he didn't want to burden them any more with his own. This was his battle, and his alone.

But he felt trapped – like he was sinking, and he didn't know how to get out.

She had asked earlier how the other trainees were and if they got along well.

"We're already pretty close," he had lied. "Everyone's really friendly and most of them also go to school together so they always hang out even when we're not practicing." That was not a lie.

"If you're all classmates, you should hang with them too from time to time."

"I don't have time like that Mom. I have to practice harder," he had replied a little harsher than he had intended, partially due to him trying to choke back the lump in his throat. He had already regretted his blunt words, but his mother immediately understood and only offered warm words of encouragement; which, effectively, only made him feel more guilty.

After they hung up, he stopped walking and stood alone under a dusty park streetlamp, having walked a few blocks away from the practice room while they were talking. He wanted everything to be quiet. He wanted time to just stop. For everything to fall silent for just a moment. He was so tired. But even that small wish was stripped from him as several cars drew by and little bugs chirped under the brooding night sky.

He felt so immature, his eyes brimming with tears from just hearing his mother's voice. It was a mistake to call her just because he had felt a little lonely and stressed. He should've just continued practicing. He needed a moment to calm down before heading back. His face was bright red, his vision was blurry, and his head was constantly pulsing in waves of pain. He didn't even need to see his face to know what he looked like – terrible dark circles, sunken cheekbones, messy damaged hair, cracked lips, and swollen eyes. This was apparently what growing up meant. This was apparently what it meant to be an adult. He didn't know what had happened, or how he had lost himself somewhere in the process. He merely pursued his dream, but he felt like he had lost practically everything. Was this dream even worth it anymore? He wondered where his ridiculous amount of confidence had previously gone, before all this. How he wished to go back to that time.

It seemed like everyone else was running ahead of him. They were all pursuing their dreams just the same as him. So why did he feel so trapped? His head dropped, and he felt his shoulders sag from the heavy weight of stress, fatigue, and whatever else was killing him from the inside. He shouldn't complain. He should just suck it up and continue. He's come this far, hasn't he? There would be no turning back now. He's already lost so much. And yet, he had no more energy to even lift his head. People would look to the stars and find their hopes and dreams. They'd find wonder and curiosity. To him, the stars above just felt like they were mocking him. He saw no bright stars. But he wanted to become one of them. Burning brightly, shining silently in the darkness. But they were dying too. Maybe he really was becoming one of them. At this point, he really felt like he might as well just go join them up there.