I'm Just A Kid

Fighting

TW: SELF HARM, MENTAL HEALTH
- I'm 21 and I'm still struggling to find ways to cope with the various mental illnesses I've been burdened with. What I know:
1.) I have pretty moderate/severe depression. Before I was employed, I would lay in bed all day. I would lay in bed until it hurt so bad that I would cry but I just couldn't bring myself to get up. I wouldn't shower until I was forced out of my bed to see Michael's family on the weekends. I would grimace at sunlight, and suffer from severe migraines because I was neglecting my body.
2.) I have some sort of dissociating disorder. Often times I lose touch with reality. Just the other night I was convinced that I was asleep because myself and the world around me felt so fake. I had a complete break down and ended up jabbing myself in the leg with a pen to "wake up" yet I felt nothing. I woke up the next morning with a nasty bruise and my heart felt so heavy because Michael becomes so distressed when I'm upset. I do this all the time. I become irrational, I lash out, I physical harm myself as a way of "grounding" myself although when I'm in this state I can't feel anything.
Often times I walk by a mirror and I don't recognize myself. Sometimes I look at pictures taken of me and I don't recognize myself. Life passes by and I can hardly tell what was a dream and what wasn't.
3.) I resort to harmful ways of dealing with my pain as a way to feel in control. This manifests itself in ways such as me self harming, eating disorders, picking/scratching at my skin, forcing myself to watch things that trigger my sexual trauma, etc. I've become better at redirecting that energy into something else (lately, Pinterest) but some days it just feels like an itch that mandates a certain scratching.
4.) Control. It's something I feel like I need. I need control and structure, because I feel like it's what's holding me together. Example: I need to be in control of cleaning the house from top to bottom without help, even though it causes me immense stress, because it needs to be done MY way or I'm not happy. I need to plan every single thing I do in advance or I become very irritable. I need a basic routine for every day or else I feel very off and will likely have a bad day if I neglect something in my routine.
5.) I know I have PTSD and abandonment trauma. When I went to therapy (which I faked my way out of) I was told that I cover up/constantly use a blanket as a way to feel secure without having to deal with physical contact. That I use a blanket as a way to feel that "hug" of affection, but because it's an inanimate object, I don't worry about it having the chance to harm me. What triggers my PTSD is mostly physical touch or being left alone in the dark, although some days it could be the smallest, most random thing that sets it off.

It's not easy finding ways to cope in a healthy way, and it's mostly because I feel like nobody understands. It's not as easy as "just focus on something else" or "don't dwell on the past, it's only hurting you" or "just try to be happy" or my favorite "there are people out there who have it worse than you do". I understand that, but ummmm..... that doesn't mean that I DON'T need help.

These road blocks that I struggle with, I know to be fact. Yet I know there's more I struggle with under the surface. I've researched OCD, ADHD, BPD, and even autism/aspergers. I don't have a clear answer as to why my daily life is so... off beat to everyone around me.
My whole life I've felt secluded from the people around me. I have trouble maintaining friendships, I find it extremely difficult to engage in conversation, I've just always felt like an outcast. I've always been made fun of for being the "weird kid" and would often be told to shut up as I would constantly babble about my hobbies and interests. This led me to constantly change my "aesthetic" and lifestyle in hopes of fitting in somewhere and it's still something I do today. I find myself adapting to the atmosphere wherever I am, trying to fit in with the people surrounding me and it often comes across very poorly as I'm too immersed in trying to portray a certain image that people often think I'm not listening or coming off as blunt/rude.
I struggle with basic things and I'm often feeling "burnt out" because I'm trying so hard to fake being okay. If I'm not faking, then I slip into isolation which is where I'm at right now.
I neglect to go anywhere, I forget to eat or drink water, I find it hard to reach out to my friends. This period of time is the most rough for me. I get into my head and I numb it. I become void of any emotion, and I feel that numbness now as I'm writing this.

Mental illness is life consuming. I have mental and physical scars that show the pain of my past and have stained my future.
I haven't worn shorts outside in a year because I fear the looks of disgust at my blatant portrayal of the evil I've endured. It makes me sad. It makes me sad that there are so many invisible things holding me back from blooming into the person I crave to be.

I've always wanted to be that confident, hard working, pure, ladylike woman that has the heart of everyone she knows. Yet I just.. can't? I can't reach it. It's the reason why I feel that there's a stone that hasn't been turned over. I feel that until that final stone reveals itself, that I can't take the steps I need in order to live a life that best suits me and my mind (because I know my mind works differently than the people I know)

Here's to a journey that's still ongoing. Dissecting my mental health and taking steps to discovering why my brain seems to work differently than those around me, so I don't have to feel so misunderstood and alone.