crisp trepidation | hs

1

b !
-
it's not funny. i know it's not.

i should be sad, or happy, or maybe even angry. but i don't feel any of that. the only thing i feel as i'm staring up at the night sky is stupid. utterly and completely fucking stupid.

but it is funny. comical, really.

when one's best friend goes through a nasty break up, the natural, right thing to do is comfort them. and that's what i did, however, the right thing certainly is not kissing them. it certainly isn't mistaking a raw moment of vulnerability for sexual tension, and even if what you felt was actually mutual, you don't act on it.

but it's exactly what i did. and then i laughed. i actually fucking laughed in his face and just left him sitting alone in his living room. i was so embarrassed that i didn't even let myself see his reaction and instead i just fled the scene.

so yeah, i'm feeling stupid. not happy, not sad, not angry, just stupid. you'd think controlling your feelings for those ten seconds when your faces are so close you can feel their breath on your nose and almost feel what their pink lips feel like against yours would be easy after doing it for two years, but you can't. self control has its limit and mine was tested.

well, i guess she failed.

"briar, seriously, come inside." i don't sit up when i hear my friend mitch slide the glass door open and walk up beside me. i only sigh.

"sorry, cant right now. kinda busy." i stare at the moon.

"oh yeah, doing what?"

"being taunted by the moon."

"ok, well, you cant stay out here forever. just come inside, everyone's here." i shift my eyes to his and notice him throw a convincing smile at me from above my head.

"that's the problem, mitch. everyone includes harry. and i'd rather jump in this pool and drown myself than look at his face. just leave me here to rot in my stupidity." i close my eyes.

"ok, enough of the dramatics, kid. get up and go have fun with your friends." 

i let out a heavy sigh and reluctantly sit up from the cold cement of the back yard. he's right, i may be a little bit dramatic. but i'm briar frances, and i'm not me without a little dramatics.

mitch helps me up and we walk to the door. he puts an arm around my shoulder.

"mitch, i cant do this. he's gonna hate me. i ruined us." this time i'm completely serious, and we stop. he grabs my shoulders with a look i can tell is of remorse.

"c'mon. no one can ruin you two. you're briar and harry, you're best friends. it was one mistake. i'm sure he's already forgotten it anyways, it's been hours." he smiles but it's not near enough to convince me.

the only person that could do that is harry and i'm almost positive there's a 0% chance of that happening tonight.

"but what if he's weird about it." my eyes go blurry and i know it's only a matter of time before the tears start falling. "oh my god- do you think he knows?" i panic.