The testimony

       The phrase the "testimony of Jesus" was mentioned four times in the book of Revelation.
I have always wondered what it meant-THE TESTIMONY OF JESUS. Throughout his lifetime, Christ performed many miracles worthy of testimonies but the phrase implies that Jesus himself is a testimony. Not his miraculous birth, his teachings, his death or resurrection but his existence.
Jesus' existence is a miracle.

I always wanted to experience a miracle, not the everyday miracle like the gift of life but something groundbreaking, life-changing. A miracle worthy of a testimony.

My life isn't great, it's in shambles actually.
I know in my heart that i need to turn to God but I cannot do that. Not with my guilty conscience, t-this thing hangs over me. It's presence is suffocating ,I cannot ignore it.

19 years old and I know something isn't quite right with me. Infact something is very wrong.
The colours of the rainbow isn't a symbol of hope or joy to me.... it's torture. What it signifies, what it represents
I cannot allow myself to be a part of it.
I shouldn't want that. This unnatural thing. It upsets me, it more than upsets me. I want to reach into my core, bring out that part of me and thrust it in fire. I want to watch it go up in flames so I can regain my life and be who I was meant to be.
Who is that? I don't know....yet

"God is love, don't you know?" My mind is a funny thing. Sometimes it splits itself in two, confusing me further

"God is love" it whispers again. I cannot ignore it.

So?

"God is love". It is persistent. "God is love-unconditional love, the only kind of love that matters"

I don't understand, my confusion is heightened.

"Unnatural! Unnatural!"

The other part of my mind chants like it's waging a war. I understand though, it is right. God will hate me if I don't change.

"But God is love- unconditional love"

!!!
How do I expect anyone to love me when I hate myself. I don't want this, I never did. I have to change.

"But l-love!
Amos 5:15 'hate the evil, love the good'
Are you evil?"

I stop to think. No, not evil
Yet I am unnatural

"Yes, unnatural"

This is tearing me apart, keeping me away from God's love.

"Romans 8:9 'nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord'."

Nothing? Nothing can keep me from God's love?

"Your unnatural disposition!!!"

True...

"No! God is love! Don't you love God?"

I do! I love God, I try to do what pleases him by His Grace

"but your unnatural disease"

"It is not a disease!"

I am shocked. For the first time, one replies the other.
Will the two of them face each other? Is this the answer to my prayers or will it finally break me?

"A disease! He needs to be who he was meant to be"

"How do you know who he was meant to be? Did you create him?"

The other side is quiet.

"God knows, He knows who Eli is meant to be, God does not make mistakes. He knows and He loves".

And then it clicks. God knows. He's known all along. I didn't make myself this way. HE KNOWS
I feel indescribable joy. The cloud looming above me vanishes in a flash. In it's stead, a beautiful rainbow, it's colours so bright and beautiful. God is love and He knows .

Now I understand that my existence is a miracle.
A miracle worthy of a testimony.
I am who i was meant to be. God makes no mistakes. He knows. The devil cannot have a hold on God's own creation.
I am God's own creation. There is nothing unnatural about me.

Romans5:8 God commendeth his love towards us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.