Pious Fraudsters

X.

Patrick spent the next couple of weeks barely talking to me. I could have assumed it was partly that night, and the fact that he didn’t perhaps trust me – but I think it was mostly because he had fallen in love with that De Lune woman, for he saw her every day, and sometimes twice a day.

I hope to not get ahead of myself, but – I do not know if he loved her for her person, which was sharp bordering on insulting and assertive bordering on distasteful. She was always and infallibly, as Behan had said, ‘rude’ – to me, to the servants, to him, to everyone. But she could be funny when she was laying into to somebody else, and she was rich, rich beyond our wildest dreams, and an heiress too, and never let us forget it.

“Devon, get us some green apples from the market, would you?” Patrick asked me one day. “Cynthia and I have been talking about them.” Then he chuckled to himself.

I think that was a joke best understood if you had been there at the time, but I as his servant did as I was told, and took a horse into town to go to the London markets, and bought a crate of green apples.

As I got back to my horse and thought about the best way to fix the crate onto the back, a familiar voice hallooed to me. I jumped out of my skin, of course – it was Becky Brown’s husband – that Constable Brown – and he greeted me very friendly, and asked me how my day had been, and how was his wife, as if he didn’t come round as often as he could to see her.

“Bloody awful,” I grumbled, “Got up six in the morning to clean the entire house twice before a guest came over, and then I missed breakfast, and the idiot maid burnt the rabbit again so we had to cook another – she’s new – and the master’s been acting all funny of late…”

“Funny like how?” the constable asked me, narrowing his eyes.

“Funny like he got me to go all the way here just to get some green apples,” I said sourly. “It’s an hour’s ride from where we are, and the streets are packed.”

“Huh – listen,” the constable said. “About your master – may I have a quick word?”

I consented, and he took me aside. “How long have you been in his service?” he asked me, deadly concerned.

“Not long,” I said.

“Well listen here then. See us down at the police station, we’ve some suspicions based on a little bit of evidence – well, I won’t go into too much detail, it’s complicated police stuff, what you’re not going to understand. But our conclusion is…this may come as a shock to you…”

“What is it?” I asked him.

“We’ve discovered that your master Banksbridge may not be the man he says he is.”

I must have gone pale because he rested a hand concernedly on my shoulder. “Then who is he?” I asked worriedly.

“We have no idea,” the Constable Brown said, “but we think he might be a fraud.”

Oh God! They’d found him out! We were going to be hanged!

I struck my head in agitation. “Now there’s no need to be alarmed,” Constable Brown said, “I know this must be very distressing to hear, but I decided to tell you because the Police have decided to recruit you as our ally.”

“What?!”

“Our ally,” the Constable repeated, as if that was an explanation, “and I’ll add that you’re not the only one. You see frauds are dangerous people. But it’s all right, my dear boy – Becky is your friend, and will aid you in what I’m going to ask you to do, should you need it.”

He thought I was on his side! I realised this and tried to adjust myself accordingly, but I’m not a particularly good actor. “Yes, anything,” I replied.

The Constable Brown pulled something out of his greatcoat pocket and gave it to me: a small vial full of a clear liquid. “We believe this man is a dangerous criminal,” he said, and I gasped theatrically – “No, no, don’t worry. All we want you to do is put the sleeping drug in a drink to sedate him, and then report to us, and we’ll come and put him in jail for you. Can you do that?”

“I don’t know – possibly…”

“It doesn’t have to be done tonight,” the policeman said, completely convinced by my show of horror, “Just do it as soon as you can, and once this is all over you will have the protection of the Law.”

I put the vial in my pocket. “I’ll do my best,” I said, trying to look greatly afraid, “and remember – I’ll tell you when I’ve done it. This is very tricky business.”

“God be with you,” the Constable said.

I left at once for home.