I'll never die but if I do I'll be why

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by RoadkilBBQ

by RoadkilBBQ

I knew. I knew I was going to get hurt and used and thrown away like I always do. I can't listen to people you love 'me' and just say fuck the world. Sure it looks good in stories and dreams, but I dont have enough energy to deal with the after effects. I'll end up in my room for days on end under the covers with the sheets above my head and my hands on my face. I don't cry anymore, but my face gets red and I get lightheaded like I'm trying to concentrate too hard and I can't breath. My head feels white hot and I feel like I can't see. Jealousy is a bitch. I can't seem to forgive myself for wanting something. Don't you think I've tried to get help? Don't you think I want to feel the right way? Don't you think I wish less of my smiles and laughs are totally fake? I've been doing it for so long nobody knows I'm lying. I won't, can't, bring myself to do it. I feel like I'll never die. It only makes me want to do. I've always been the therapist friend. The trustworthy friend. The friend that will never tell your secrets. Not even if I could get hurt. Not even if you can get hurt. I could put people in jail because of what they have sold me. But I'm also the friend who gives advice that they don't follow. I'm the friend that will push their feelings down to make room for everyone else's. I'm the friend who no one would ever realize was hurting. The only thing keeping me alive is guilt, but I wish it wasn't. I feel guilty because people call me selfish, or they don't want to lose me. But maybe I needed to be selfish. Maybe I needed to be weak and stupid and maybe I need to stop thinking.

No. I'm not dead. No, this is not a suicide letter. No this is not a cry for help.

Think of it as the last song in a play. Think of it as the final bow. I know I'm gone, but you know I'll be back again. You know that somewhere, sometime, my songs will be written down or put on record, so if you do enough digging, maybe you'll find it. But make sure you do it before the paper is torn and unintelligible and my play is no longer taught and shown. Please only listen once, for I fear you may despise me if you hear it enough.

Now that the curtains closing and the lights are dimmed, know that you'll most likely see me again.

Monday, July 13, 2020
12:41 AM

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