My Secret

Welcome To Me ~1~

~~ This story is dedicated to all those who struggle with being able to be themselves. We all should be able to be who we want, no matter what. ~~

JJ jumped up onto my warned bed, filled with blankets, with his tongue flopping free fully out of his mouth. He had a lopsided smile and drool dripping down from his tongue. He looked as silly and happy, as could be, which made me smile. No matter how bad of a day I was having, JJ always could always make me smile. He was the only thing that could make me smile any day.

I didn't like that JJ was the only one that could make me smile. Make me actually, truly smile. I wish others could put a grin on my face, wish they could make me happy and that they could remove the constant sadness, that loomed over my head. But I was far too unselfish to ask people to do that. So I kept my depression and my other "problems" a secret from the world.

See I am different. I didn't one day wake up and decide to be different, because trust me, being different is a hard and painful experience. I was born different. I didn't realize this until I was about thirteen though.

When all the boys in sixth grade were running away from the girls because they had cooties, I was getting closer to the girls because I enjoyed their company more. In middle school when the boys were all playing football, basketball, and baseball, I was in the art room getting covered in paint; releasing my emotions. And when I finally turned thirteen and all the guys were crushing on girls, I was crushing on guys. That was the age that I figured out I was gay.

When I was thirteen, luckily, I was smart enough to realize that being gay wasn't the norm for the town I lived in. I probably realized this since my parents were full blown Christians. They forced me and my sister to go to church every Sunday, rain or shine, no matter how bad the weather was. We had to pray before every meal with them and if they ever caught us dating, before the age of sixteen, smoking, drinking, doing drugs, we would be grounded. They would also always talk about me marrying a nice Christian woman and having a nice Christian family. My parents never mentioned anything about gays until I was sixteen and had brought it up at dinner one night.

When I was sixteen, I decided to be strong and come out to my parents, thinking that they would understand and love me for being me. But when I asked them what their thoughts were on gays, their response was; "They are filthy people, who will go to hell. If we had any gays in our family, they would no longer be apart of it. Being gay is a sin, a filthy sin." That line was imprinted into my brain since then. And after my parents comments on gays, I backed out of coming out. I once again had crawled back into my dark closet.

JJ licked my cheek, which in his happy dog language, meant happy birthday. Even though JJ was a dog, he always seemed to know things that dogs frankly shouldn't know, things like when my birthday is. 

I had gotten JJ when I was sixteen. I was walking home from school and had decided to go into town to pick up some milk for the house, since I used the last bit of it up for my breakfast. I had just gotten out of the store when a stray dog had bumped right into me, making me fall flat on my back. I thought that for sure the stray would have been gone when I stood up, but there right next to me was the small stray mutt, panting happily. 

The stray followed me home that day and to my surprise, when my parents saw him walking behind me, tongue hanging out, they fell in love with him and allowed me to keep him. I had named him JJ on that day because of his tongue, whenever it was out it looped itself into the shape of the letter J.

"Thanks boy." I replied to JJ's kiss as I petted his head, which earned me another sloppy kiss. I then carefully pushed, the large, JJ to the other side of the bed and threw the sheets off of myself. JJ, although small when I found him, grew into a giant. When we brought his to the vet, the vet thought that JJ was a mix between a Great Dane and a Bernese Mountain Dog. So JJ ended up growing into a large, fluffy, lovable dog.