My School Writings

This is Some Type of a Vent

yeah, so this is not a school writing, but just something i needed to get off my chest,  its probably really petty, but you can read it if you want.

       Why do people care? Why do they only care when you are like them? Never when you are a tad bit different? I ask this question because it has been bothering me for years now. Ever since I was 2, to be exact. When I noticed I was not like the cool kids. So, what else do I do, but try to fit in with them? Of course, that fails. So I give up on it. I had no friends until I was in about the first grade. I met this girl, let's call her K, she was new. I thought it would be an amazing opportunity to make a friend. And I did, but only with a facade. She said I was one of the nicest people there. I always had gentle manners in public, so I was not surprised when she said that. One day, her and I went to the library with our parents. My mom had told me that there were some red flags with K, and I should not trust her too much. Things like this, are the things I should have listened to. Once we got into the fourth grade, she started hanging out with two other girls more than me. Let's call one, B, and the other one, C. I was okay with it at first, for I could make friends with them too. I became friends with B, and was on somewhat shaky ground with C. One day, in social studies, B and I were playfully taking a highlighter from each other. She was okay with that, she was joking around, so was I. Keep that in mind. About 15 minutes later, we went out to recess. I was never an active kid, I normally liked to sit by some trees, and read some advanced novels to challenge myself. K, B, and C came over and towered above me. I had no idea what they wanted to do. Maybe play something? Nope. They yelled at me about the highlighter. How I was stealing it from B, and she kept trying to take it back, when she said herself, we were both joking around. That type of BS kept happening all the time. I was rather pudgy then, and I honestly think that was a factor in this. Not that I am at an average weight now, I think I am about 10 lbs overweight now. I then noticed, I was not the only one they were teasing, they were also teasing an old friend of mine, let's call her H. We actually bonded more over the fact that we were both outcasts to others and were teased by the same people. And we became best friends. Once we got into the fifth grade, it was more of the same thing, except they didn't really tease H. So, it was still, basically Hell. In the sixth grade, well, it kind of stopped. I was rather glad it did. Until I got Vans. Vans, of all things. I got checkered ones that are supposed to look a bit faded. They hated them. Yeah. They said it all the time. H and I also grew kind of distant during this time. By the end of the year, K, B, and C were basically out of my life. I talked to H for a while until we just completely grew apart. And it has been basically the same since. I would have avoided all this depression and anxiety if I would have listened to my mom all those years ago... I'm the type of person you'd see smiling as you would walk by, but when you walk away, that gentle manner fades, the smile fades, the happy person most know me as is gone. Why? I have no idea. All I know is that I just have to smile. That person that smiles, could make your day. It happens often. I make people's days, believe it or not. But then they not only forget about the thing that made them happy, They forget about the person that helped them.When something feels off to me, It's normally because these thoughts crawl out of my mind: Why did I not listen?Why do I still not listen?Why do I not listen to people that most likely care about me?Why do I not listen when someone says I did something good?Why does everyone leave?Or, is it just me?Nothing triggers this type of thing... it just... happens, I suppose.

I'll be okay.

...Right?