To my dearest, Sancha.

ukit (prologue)

i dare not to think of ill of anybody, i keep my mind, my spirit and body clean of anything that will bring harm to my equanimity, to keep my being afloat. Pero, bakit? 

muli kong pinagmasdan ang nakaukit "sancha" pangalan ko sa puno, na kanyang inukit noon pa man, andito parin, kitang kita. Parang na rin ang nakaukit niyang pangalan sa aking puso, hindi mawala't sa paghaplos ay mas lalong humahapdi. 

sa ilang mga segundo ay natikman ko na ang alat ng aking luha na dumadaloy sa aking mga pisnge galing sa aking mapupulang mga mata. Hinayaan ko lamang, sapagka't nawawalan na rin ako ng ganang gumalaw.

Bakit ko nga ba ito binalikan? It's as if everything about this place stings my heart. Their old house, the trees surrounding it, the pond, the chills this place gives me. I knew it'd end up like this. Why is it that I still chose to be here even though my heart knows I can't handle it yet. 

"Sancha?" 

ako'y natigilan sa kanyang boses. Yosef. Andito na sya. Putangina. Kumalabog ang aking puso at naginit na ang aking mukha.  Pinunasan ko na ang aking mga luha at tumayo na sa aking kinaroroonan.

"Sancha." narinig ko ulit ang boses na tumatawag sakin. Sa aking paglingon ay natigilan ako, tumaas ang aking mga balahibo, at nanigas ang aking buong katawan. Ngayon, Sigurado na ako. 

Isang malamig na kamay ay tumapik ng aking braso. Huminga ako ng malalim bago ko siya nilingon. 

"shit" I murmured under my breathe

"Yosef." I tried to give him a smile, but it turned out faint. I tried looking straight to his eyes, but I just look so pathetic. I just can't fake it just right after a crying session.

My sight probably alarmed him, as his expression changed right after noticing my runny nose and red eyes.

"Sancha..." his voice so gentle and full of concern. it still touches the deepest depths of my forlorn heart.

"why are you here alone? have you been crying? baby whats wrong?" sunod sunod ang kanyang tanong. Solicitude evident from his tone. How cunning of him.

My arms wrapped around his waist as I shivered and held myself collected. I felt his hand rubbing my back and caressing my head as i buried my face into his chest. I hear his heart as i embraced him. getting a whiff of his cologne that i loved.

"Yosef, i just...." I wasn't able to finish my sentence as I felt the tightness in my throat making me unable to speak. Hot tears fell down again.

"You just? mmmm? tell me baby." 

" I just came here to...confirm something." I felt him hug me tighter. I can hear his heart beating a lot faster than before.  The sky became gloomy.

"Bakit?" I asked him, he knew what I was talking about, what made me come here in such a short notice. He knows, I know, we both know. 

Nilapit niya ang kanyang bibig sa aking tenga, ramdam ko ang kanyang mainit na paghinga paghinga sa aking leeg.

"Sorry...forgive me" he whispered

"Alam ko" kumawala ako sa kanyang yakap at pinunas ang aking mga luha. 

I looked up at him  and said what I came for

"Is there at least an explanation?"

He looked away, maybe from guilt, but who knows? He must be ashamed of himself? or perhaps he just doesn't have the guts to see what he did to me. The woman he promised not to hurt, is now crying out of mere disappointment and pain because of him.

"The distance, I just couldn't handle it." he held my hand squeezing it, trying to comfort me?

"look at me while explaining Yosef." I emphasized his name.

I'm on the verge of throwing a massive fit right here . I contain my urge to let out all my pain.

"maybe...maybe it just." he paused and looked at me straight in the eyes. 

"maybe it just isn't worth it anymore." 

And the raindrops fell.

ouch.