ｃｏｎ ｍａｎ || ｊｓｃｈｌａｔｔ カ果宴壱

i. 𝐫𝐞𝐣𝐮𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐞

amber ryan was always seen as a 'plain jane' kind of girl. she's never been eye-catching in a group, and she's never really showed much of a personality in her life. brown hair, green eyes, pale skin ... your typical sounding background character in literally any movie. monochromatic outfits throughout high school, straight-a student in all classes (aside from phys. ed, but that teacher gave her a harsher treatment because he remembered how terribly her brother acted in his class), and a shy, reserved soul. 

not a single one of her 'friends' knew her passions, her interests, or her hobbies. her dream, locked away in a rusted safe whose combination is known by only two living souls, remains hidden from all as she offers kind advice, patient smiles, and a non-biased ear.

her brother daryl, however, was always the kind to stand out no matter what. with a much easier to distinguish physical stature consisting of chocolate eyes, nearly black hair, standing four inches over six feet since the sixth grade - he's the one people notice. he's a social butterfly, a floating friend who can mingle with any person, no matter what he thinks about them.

everyone knew his dream of being an athlete, his strange fascination with greek classics, even  about the strangely shaped mole on his left thigh that creeps dangerously close to his junk. so when he was told after the the ski crash - the pricey one that ended up being the beginning of their mothers early dig to the grave - that he wouldn't be able to play sports anymore, his sister was the first person to fill his mind with different hopes, dreams, and goals.

thick as thieves since the boy recovered, he's the only person living who knows her career dream. her passions, her fears, and her hobbies. it truly did surprise him when he was told by his sister - now a student at nyu majoring in sociology with a minor in business studies - that she wants to be a poet. 

it made sense, for all the times they'd go to the library and she'd ask if she could "quickly sneak this book in his bag and take it back when they get home". it was more often than not shakespeare or whitman, with an occasional poe and rarely a translated hugo work. 

she enjoys gardening, but never asked their mother or father for gardening supplies, or even those cheap planters to hang outside her window. she hates football, which made no sense because she was always there for his games and cheering their whole team on. she was an enigma to him, until he was hurt, and she lifted his spirit by making herself vulnerable.

that's why when she took the local barista job at the quaint little cafe in downtown new york he wanted he hit her.
"you're better than that, amber," he groaned out, burying his face in his hands to hide the shame and long-buried disappointment. "you could've gotten a job at a bookstore, or- or a florist's, anything but mixing lazy fuckers coffee." but the patient smile he got in return simply shut him up, since he knew her mind had been made up.

"i just need some money while i'm still going to classes, i can't commit to something that isn't right by the campus." her sweet, gentle voice carries a gentle facade, but the two of them know that she didn't want the job either. 

only a few days earlier, one of her classmates had shown her an online hiring ad for some hotshot online personality guy looking for an editor. she'd mentioned some previous experience with videography and editing - helping her mother release a small, independent documentary covering the social injustice towards single and widowed mothers - and she indeed considered the job.

"oh yeah," daryl had laughed, "like i would believe that." he steps closer to his sister, setting his large and rough hand on her small and fragile shoulder.
"listen to me. you're a ryan, and you're one of two, right? that means the two of us are in charge of carrying on the family name. i don't want to have to do it all by myself, amber. don't be that little shit who hides her dreams and settles down with some douchebag just to please outsiders. you've gotta do what makes you happy, especially since i can't." his words seem to resonate something within her, and she pauses before she nods. she's speechless, and that's a good sign for him.

"good. now come on, help me clean up a bit around here, or you can be in charge of dinner tonight." and so the two busy themselves the rest of the evening in their shared apartment, the male of the pair being his usual loud and playful self, while his twin sister remains quiet, her mind lost in thought as she re-analyzes his words. then, it hits her. how can she find something to be openly passionate about if she isn't even willing to admit her favorite things to herself?starting tomorrow, amber ryan tells herself, no more shy and quiet. everyone's going to start knowing what i like. opinionated, that's the new me. which is easier said than done.

- -

"holy fuck- you look like shit, hon, didja get mugged by sandman last night or something?" ah yes, her closest colleague ciara's delightful insights. "did you not finish that spreadsheet assignment or something? i thought it was scrambled and scuffed, so it'd be a blessin' if makkle's favorite student didn't finish either." this, surprisingly, earns her a sweet laugh, which nearly startles her. no patient or kind smile, just a genuine laugh.

"no, i woke up early this morning. did some yoga, some reflecting, then i went to work." amber responds, adjusting her glasses. this is also a surprise, since the girl had never worn them before, and her friend surely didn't expect her to show up wearing an actual colorful outfit with corresponding accessories, let alone expensive ray ban glasses.
"jesus, somebody die? cause i ain't ever met this girl before, i think daryl killed the real one and replaced her." another laugh is earned, and while it's still baffling, she can't help but smile.

the two continue on with some normal small talk while waiting for their professor to begin the lesson, the plainer girl of the two seeming much more lively than usual. when the lesson finally begins, for the first time in her life amber thalia ryan gets in trouble in her class. she's whispering a childish joke to ciara, the girls' signature loud cackle thus occuring and the professor is just as surprised as the whole rest of the class.

"i'm surprised it's you causing a disruption for once, amber," the teacher hums with an amused smirk. "best you two pay attention, yeah? or else you'll be incapable of completing your assignment."
"yessir," amber hums in reply, and once the teacher turns around to continue, she feels courageous enough to flip him off. her friend loses it, and she can feel a genuine smile coming on. maybe this whole self acceptance thing has some truth behind it, is all she can think as she focuses back on jotting down notes. and for once, she doesn't shut out this thought. she welcomes it full-heartedly.

- -

"so you gon' come to this party, or what?" ciara hums, her friends head snapping up. usually, this would be an instant but still gentle no - and with this sudden change of attitude throughout the day, she's genuinely hoping her friend will finally agree.

"i don't know," amber mutters, thinking to herself whether or not it's actually a good idea. on the up side, it's a journey of self-discovery, but on the down side, she might have her brother stalking her to make sure she doesn't get touched and murdered. "i'd have to see if i have work tonight. how many people are going?"

"less people than you think, sugarcube," the taller girl laughs, and for the first time ever, amber feels a tinge of envy when she notices that this sweet female in front of her is free to express herself at all times, and always does. lucky duck, she comments silently. "it's gonna be between like ten and fifteen people, it's a small place."

 the promise of a small group of people is comforting, but the idea of having to put on another facade makes her feel sick. so instead, she looks at her friend and smiles. "i think that's still too much for me today. but tonights takeout night at my place, so do you want to come over and maybe work on the new assignment?" after the day of surprises, ciara's now used to all these shocking things, but if this were proposed a week ago? she'd drop dead of a heart attack, then and there. 
"sounds great, so who's driving?"

- -

sorry it's so long i had so many ideas for it jiasdk-

stay safe, hydrated, and loved <3

word count: 1519