Dear, Peanut

Entry One

I couldn't sleep right now. It is three fifty three in the morning.

I could stop feeling this ominous regret I did some years ago.

I can't sleep.

I can't breathe. 

My heart is pounding like heck.

Damn, these thoughts.

I still remember why you got the nickname peanut, you said you won't eat peanuts again. You are too afraid to add your collection of acne all over your face.

I though that was absurd way back 2016 but now, funny i.. I find it cute.

Damn, my heart pounds so fast.

I'm a mess.

I took you for granted.

I know way back that you are too good for me, that you deserve better than me and I still think that way too.

Now that you've finally found her.

It's crazy because why am I feeling this now?

Yeah, I have read all our old conversations just this night until dawn. It's quite fun, we had a good time. Good laughs and sweet nothings.

You were there at my darkest.

You arrived when I was a mess. I told you I was broken from somebody else, or I thought so I did. You cheered me up.

Funny is that as I scanned all those messages how am I so insensitive of how you feel towards me?

I felt it now.

It hurts like hell that I felt it now.

Holy creep.

Why the heck am I crying now?

What the heck is this all about?

It's too late now.

You are happy with her now.

I would be a jerk if I tell you this now on our old dusty conversation at messenger application.

What? Why did this happened to me?

You see, this is so absurd. I got on my ML game check and a game request popped out it was you, I remember you use anime names with your real name.

I was overthinking, what if you cancelled the game request because you thought I am now a different person or am I just digging my own grave?

It bothered me until you got in my dreams.

It was so vividly clear I thought it happened in real life.

Yeah, I think I am a new person now, I felt your feelings towards me now. It hit me hard. My heartaches knowing that I just laughed it out before and threw some dry arse punchline.

Now, I find the way you bully me, cute. You just said it in my face with your clues but I was so careless.

Damn, this idiocy I got before because of some douche bag who just disappeared in thin air.

I am now going in circles now.

But atleast my chest is not poumding so heavily now.

A friend said you thought I was mad at you that I never messaged you again. I vaguely remember now the reason why I did not messaged you again after 2018.

Damn

I was a mess before but now I am more messier.

Why did I bother checking your profile?

Say peanut, would you forgive me for the stupid things and whatnots that I get mad about before?

I realized now that I read about it all, I was so insensitive and getting angry over nothing.

I remembered, I ditched you when you were waiting for me to go to church together. I never intended to ditch you, I never knew but I guess now I understamd that you thought that every sunday no matter what, we go to church together.

But.. I guess the best thing that happened to you now is that you are not part of my life now.

I wonder what would my life become if we ended up together?

But that's just wishful thinking since I am a mess since I signed up to be like this. To be this complicated, chained with restrictions. To pursue and focus.

Yes, I perfectly remember what I told you that ended the beautiful things we once shared.

I woke up one day, I don't know what got on me, and I messaged you about deserving happiness but it wasn't me. That you deserve something better than me because I am not deserving. Because I am somebody's trash. This somebody robbed something from me I got numbed for a year the very year you came back to my life.

What a joke. Hah. I cried for a week over a guy that left me in dead air and did not acknowledge your year-long feelings from me since eighth grade.

What the fuck is wrong with me?!

Accepting wrong people and pushing the right people for me.

I am most probably cursed. This feeling would forever haunt me to my grave.

I hate this but i'm glad because I deserve this. I'm glad because you found her. I'm glad you are much more better with her than you are with me.

Huh, I hope I can sleep in peace now.

Gracious, it's like four twenty six in the morning.

I thought I was going to burst into heavy tears though I had shed some.

This girl is a big joke but I wanted to tell you,may you have a more great moments with her, if not every moment, peanut butter.

Ah this inevitable midnight thoughts and regrets.

Unless I sleep early to avoid this mess that I had become.

What I could do now is back this all up and let all these be. I guess..

Let all this regrets and pain pass by me...

I wished I could turn back time to reset my life and not chose the wrong path.

But that is absurd, I know.

This emptiness and loneliness that had been growing on me since quarantine day one has been spreading in me like viral disease.

I know you will get a nice sleep since I see you both are so in love.

For the last time, despite you not into ebooks I will write it here, I love you peanut and you would always take a part in my heart.

Ah this crisis..