my life story

time skip

Time skip to today. I have not told my family I'm trans but my sister almost cought me. I'm actually making a plan. I might tell my aunt who I know wont tell. Like my aunt I dont live with. And maybe my sister. Then we'll see from there. Also this page will just be for when i skip to that very day. At least until it gets too full. So yeah that's what's happening. Hows your day been??

I plan to come out to my family really soon. Like as trans. I know I said soon before but this time I really mean its getting super close. I already told a few of my friends actually most of my friends and now its almost time to tell my family...but imma tell them really slowly..one at a time.

So I told 5 family members... but I'm not telling anymore. My sister doesn't like the idea but I don't care what she thinks. I'm feeling really bad today cause I got to thinking last night and I notice that my family doesn't bother to ask if I'm ever ok. Even when I look mad or upset. Maybe its cause I always look mad or cause I dont bother to show any other emotion aside from annoyed...cause I'm always annoyed from the fact that I cant even talk to my family. But I have my friends Ally and Ej. So that makes me feel better...kinda.

I'm doing better...kinda. I'm looks for a hair style not that I'll get it soon. Well I might I gotta plan. If you guys gotta style tell me it or send the link of a pic of it. Only a few of my friends are calling my Sammy but that slowly changing. Schools starting soon and I plan to come out to more friends and I might even get them to call me Samuel. I've had to remind some of my friends to call me Sammy over text and not to call me "girl" or "girly" but most of them are trying.

My good friends call me Sammy or Sam but my best friend calls me Samuel Xavier ****** when I do something. Everything's....odd...I dont feel good lately. Im not sick. I'm just...upset. I have yet to tell anyone else in my family. And I'm not going to. I do know I like writing this. It's nice to write my feelings. It's nice to have something to look back in and remember.

That feeling I had?? Yeah that was me realizing I had depression. It's not official. A doctor hasn't said anything. But I have took online quizzes. A few things that make me think I'm depressed and my bestfriend/brother is that I'm constantly wanting to die and that I cut myself yesterday. It's small. I scratch myself when I'm upset but that's nothing. My bestfriend/brother is going with me to the school counselor. I've always been able to talk better with him there. Bonus: one of my friends, a straight male friend, asked me out...my brother said he basically asked out a dude and he said well technically no...I slammed my book shut and stared him dead in the face. My brother was like "you pissed him off!"

So my brother made me go to the consular...she was gonna tell my aunt and uncle that I cut myself. I convinced her not too. I told her I was gonna tell my cousin to help me tell my aunt and uncle I'm trans. Though I already told my aunt. I'm nervous. Though I'm not scared. I've been hurting more and more lately. Not physically but emotionally. I feel the feeling and they mix...then there a lump in my throat, a hole in my stomach, and a weight on my chest...but I do not cry. I may publish my poems and lyrics I have but I doubt they'll be any good. I do take request on poems. In other words I would like if you shared a poem or lyrics you have.