You Like Her Better (Staig)

Chapter Five

Craig
     We're just sitting in silence... but it's not... not a bad silence... we've sat ours selves in the snow. I can see the area I dug deep holes in. It hasn't been covered by another thick layer of snow, but I'm sure it will be soon, and the memory will go with it.
     It's not important right now. Right now the only thing important to me is Stan. This moment of pure relaxation. It's just us right now... well... he's on his phone... but once he turns it off and drops it into his lap, I let out a soft sigh. He's texting her. Her. The better part. The person I want to be. She's in the place I want to be in, but she's so much better than me... she has everything I don't. I'm just a freak.
      My thoughts are interrupted by Stan, hes now hugging his knees and staring out across the lake.
     "Hey... can I ask you something?" He starts
     "Absolutely, what's up?" I ask
     "How did you know you were gay? Was there... like... a moment where it hit you? Or... was it just a suspicion that you explored until you knew for sure?"
      "Well... I don't think it really... hit me... there we're moments where I questioned if I was really gay... but that's just... me trying to fit in..." I sigh "I'm not... sure when the moment actually was, but I... I know I'm into guys, and girls aren't appealing partners to me... this is gonna sound super... weird... but the thought of kissing a girl has always made me uncomfortable, and trust me... I've kissed a girl... and looking back I don't know how I ever did it..."
     "Have you ever kissed a boy?"
     "Yes. I have... actually... more than one."
     "Any stories behind them?" Stan asks
     "The first boy I've ever kissed... it was Tweek..." I sigh "he... was my first boy crush... and we actually had a super deep relationship, well, I thought... but he didn't feel the same way... I just let myself get too attached too quickly." I laugh softly
      "And the second?" He asks
      "His name was Thomas. He was the Tourette's syndrome kid... uh... I thought he was a super cool guy, so I went over to his house and we hung out... I did his laundry... all that cool stuff... and eventually we just sat beside each other and... and I just went for it." I look away from Stan, picking at the snow "He liked it... but his mom walked in and saw... and... she didn't like it too much... I haven't seen him since." I grip my wrist and squeeze it.
      "Not good luck in relationships then, huh?" I can feel the smile in his voice, but it's not a mocking smile, or a teasing smile, it's just... relaxed, natural smile, showing interest in the conversation.
      "Yeah I guess." I chuckle softly "I have the worst luck... the first girl I dated... Annie... god... it was the worst." I shake my head "I thought I was just too young to feel it... but... then... I started looking at boys the same way Clyde was looking at girls-"
     Stan cuts me off "Sexually?" He asks
     I laugh nervously and look at him "Yeah. I think about sex with guys a lot, I've never done anything though. Heh... I'm still a virgin"
     "Yeah I wouldn't expect anything less for the gay kid." He laughs and nudges me, and I join in laughing.
      "What about you? Any bad luck with your girlfriends?" I decide to ask.
      "Always... I've had this on and off thing with Wendy for... years. How many now... six?" He looks down "And during those off times I have tried being with someone else for revenge... and she has done that too... we're... we're just playing a game at this point. I'm so sick of playing it." He looks at me and shakes his head
       "Is it a commitment problem?" I ask
       "No. It's the constant battle to get together... and when we finally do we just never get along... we bicker, and I always say the wrong thing... it's bullshit."  He laughs softly and pulls out a flask, taking a drink from it.
        "Maybe you two just aren't meant to be together... right? Maybe you just need your heart to find another..." I shrug "There's gotta be somebody that you'll click with." And it'll never be me.
        "Yeah... this will be my last time with her... if we don't click then I'm... I'll be done... she wins." He sighs
        I stand and hold my hand out to help him up. He's taller than me, he's got more muscle than me... I'm just lanky... I know I have horrible habits, but I don't plan on changing them. My body is just fine. I don't care enough about it.
        "We we're talking today... she pointed out the fact that I'm getting a beer belly." He says after he gets up, we're facing each other now. I cup his cheek, feeling my heart beginning to race.
        "Well we don't give a fuck about what she sees... I think you look amazing." I put my hand on his stomach. "It feels like abs to me." I smile, and he forces a smile back, but he seems lost in thought.
        "Can you smell the alcohol on me?" Stan asks
        "I mean kinda, but it doesn't bother me." I begin to caress his cheek with my thumb.
        "Do you see any imperfections in me?" He then asks
       "No." I shrug "I don't see anything that makes you imperfect. You're just fine- no. Fantastic looking the way you are... and being the person you-"
      I'm cut off by a pair of lips pressing against my own. At first I'm taken back, then it all comes rushing to me at once. Holy shit. No, he's cheating thats wrong- no! It's Stan fucking Marsh! Just... do it!
     So I do. My hand is placed on his chest, gripping his shirt and pulling him closer, my other hand still placed on his cheek. My heart is racing, my head has fogged over, I can feel myself relax against him, and once we part my head falls to his shoulder. He steps back and picks up his flask from the snow. I hug myself and turn around. It's all hitting me. All at once.
      "Shit- Wendy needs me to meet up with her. I'll see you later okay." He just leaves. Not looking at me. Is he embarrassed? Or... regretting what he did..?
      I sit in the snow for a while and just think about it. He didn't mean to do that... it was just in the moment... he just... stepped back and left... didn't want to stay, didn't want to... hold me. No. Of course not. I'm not good at love. I'm not deserving of love.
      After a while I pick myself up off the ground and walk home. When I get there I look at my mom, she looks back at me and her smile flattens.
      "Okay what happened with Stan honey?" She asks
      I take a couple steps forward and hug her, relaxing in her comfortable embrace. "He kissed me..." I whimper out as I start crying
     "Oh honey why are you crying? That's a good thing right?" She asks as she takes my hat off and starts playing with my hair.
      "He has a girlfriend, an..and he doesn't.. want me... he kissed me an-and just r-ran away... s-saying he had to meet Wendy... he wants her... she's... better than me... better for him... he'll never like me.." I explain, the crying being light, but it will definitely get more intense.
       "Baby... people will walk in and out of your life... but it's important to realize that the man you're gonna be with will come into your life, and he'll stay by your side... but have patience..." She sighs "Some people have to wait longer to meet the person they're gonna marry." She kisses my forehead
      "I think I'm tired... I'm gonna go to bed..." I sigh and she follows me upstairs, tucking me in bed and kissing my forehead, she leaves and the door is still cracked. I decide I'm too comfortable to close it.
       My mom comes back in and leaves a brownie beside me, she leans down and whispers "Just encase youre feeling snacky." And she kisses my forehead again, before leaving me alone to sleep. I take a couple bites of it and decide I'm done. I lay back down and try to fall asleep.
       It takes me a while, but I finally get there. Finally into the dark, deep abyss. A comforting sleep.