Untied

July 27, 2018

"Josie," I was startled by the sound of my manager's voice that broke the silence that seemed to consume the small corner store more often than not. "Don't forget to lock up tonight, I left the spare keys in the back office. Take them home with you and remember to bring them back Monday when you come in," he paused on his way out the door.

A slight smile formed on my face and I nodded my head in response, "Have a good one, see you Monday," I called after him as the door swung shut.

It was almost midsummer, and the air was hot and thick with the rain showers that have been relentless over the past few days. There was a small air conditioner fixed into the window behind the counter but despite its occasional blasts of cold air, my bare thighs still stuck to the stool that I've been sitting on for what feels like an endless number of hours, even though I've only been here for three. Due to the heat and the rain that seemed hasn't let up, business was slow, and I spent a majority of the first half of my shift reading a book my sister gave me as a parting gift.

...

I had been living just outside of the city in a small apartment since the beginning of summer. The prior year, after graduating, had been testing and I needed to get out on my own for the first time in my life. I was sixteen when I graduated and after working tirelessly to do so, I threw it all away for a guy.

My family moved the beginning of my junior year and when the guidance counselor told me that I only needed a few more credits in order to graduate, I figured I might as well take the opportunity. Rather than making friends, I focused on my classes and maintaining my grades, I figured there was no point in forming friendships if I would be saying goodbye to this chapter of my life so soon.

That year, I often frequented a local bookstore, replacing friends with fictional characters during my free time. It turned out that the shelves I used to lose myself in were also where I met him. He was older, a freshman at the local college and was the first guy who paid even the smallest amount of attention to me since I'd moved to the area. He was so nice in the beginning and because he already began living his own life and had a future planned, I felt compelled to use his life as a structure to build my own future upon. The week after I finished school, I moved in with him and a few of his friends who were renting a small townhouse near the college. My parents were supportive, I knew they only wanted me to be happy — the move had taken a toll on the family but my graduating and moving had disguised itself as a sort of "light at the end of the tunnel," but that couldn't have been further from the truth.

We were happy together, for a while. It didn't take long for me to realize that I wasn't happy with myself though, I didn't know what I wanted to do with my own life besides be in "love". The first time I saw a different side to him was when I showed interest in going to college, it wouldn't have been an issue if I settled on the school that he and everybody we knew went to, but I knew even before graduating high school that wasn't what I wanted. It wasn't distance that I was looking for, it was just to be somewhere different and new. A school that was a few hours away had an amazing photography program, and after taking a handful of art classes, it was something I was positive that I wanted to pursue. It was late at night when I began researching the school and I didn't even know he was awake until he slammed my laptop closed. That incident was followed by some yelling, choice words by him, and desperate apologies from me.

School was the last thing on my mind after what had happened, and summer turned to fall and then quickly we fell into winter. While him and our friends were going to school and focusing on their classes, I spent most of my time at home taking care of things around the house and working as an editor for a small online magazine, a job secured for me by my boyfriend.

I followed the same routine until late spring, knowing it was time to bring up going to school again. This time though, I wouldn't hide it from him — that wasn't right of me, and I was excited to include him in the process. It was a Friday night and our housemates had left for a weekend trip. I had planned a big, fancy dinner for him to come home to after a long afternoon in the office where he had an internship. I had even dressed up for the occasion, my eagerness getting to me, knowing it would match the suit he had been wearing all day for work. It was the first time I felt and looked genuinely happy in a long time and it was a look I realized I missed desperately.