HIDDEN THOUGHTS

WILL THE DARKNESS EVER END?

Darkness.
It is what I have been feeling, it is what has been on my mind for the last two weeks. Its dark, really dark that I cant see the difference between the love i should have for myself and the value i should be putting upon the life that has been laid out infront of me.

It was one of the good afternoons where i had gone for some shopping at the Woolworths, it is expensive, yes, but my baby deserved everything good in this world. 
I had decided to do a good amount of shopping for my baby boy who was growing fast inside my womb, and i was so sure that he was going to have the best parent in the world.

Whose baby was it? You might be asking yourself. Well, i shall not disclose the father of the baby, since it is something i am not ready to talk about him, but all in all i was taking care of this kid because he had decided to bail out. No, not all men are trash as you feminists want to say, no man or woman is perfect but that is a story of another day. I came across a beautiful cotton baby blue jumpsuit that i could not resist and put it on my cart, small socks on top, and small gloves, he was going to come at around the end of July or at the beginning of August.

After taking the ultrasound of my baby, who was now two months old in my womb, I was already attached. The foods he made me eat, don't even ask. I had to pay for a gym membership because I was gaining weight, and it was increasing fast. It was all good until one day, after I came back from filing the NHIF forms and getting ready to go for my daily workout, I started feeling dizzy. I didn't really know what was wrong so I took a glass of water and felt better so I walked to the gym, and started stretching on this big sized ball women play with on the gym. That is when I felt something wet on my thighs...and the gym instructor quickly rushed to where I was, after a series of my screams and complains that my stomach hurt really bad. By the time I was in the hospital, I couldn't see clearly, and after some minutes, I collapsed.

Waking up in a foreign room and wearing a hospital gown, something that I never expected it to look so serious, was, indeed. I took in my surroundings and saw my other gym-mates outside my room, looking worried and disturbed. What had happened? A doctor then came in and asked how I was feeling, I said I was not in pain, then I asked about my baby. The look on his face was enough to tell me what had happened. My baby died. My little khalil had died.. so they had to perform an operation and take him out. He asked if id like to take a look and bury him later on, and i said okay. They had carefully wrapped him inside a soft white cloth and he was so tiny. He had jut started developing, tiny hands, and a handsome face, i already knew that he was a copyright of his father. Tears rolled down as i silently said goodbye to him, giving him back to the doctor and telling the news to my friends. We arranged his small burial at the cemetery and that was the beginning of the dark side of life. I couldn't sleep for days, knowing that I would never fully let him go. I had lost two things, the love of my life and my life.

Depression knocked on my door, and let itself in without my invitation. I really hated the fact that I would never really forget the fact that my baby died , so I had to fold his clothes that i had crocheted and bought inside a box to the donations. It is the best that I could.

So far, nothing is going to fill that void that the late little Khalil left, and so almost everyday I see a little kid running past me, I always sink into depression way much more, because really, maybe my life would have been different. Maybe, just maybe, I'd be happier.