Suicide Boulevard (one shot)

Chapter 2

     Saturday. I’m not entirely awake yet, but I’m not fully asleep either. I wish I was, though. I love sleep. It’s like death, but without the commitment. I open my eyes and stare at my ceiling. Mom’s left my pills beside my pillow. I know because I can smell them. They’re awful. They always leave me tired and nauseated for hours.

     My mind goes back to the girl Nikki drew…Cali. I wonder if a normal person would have noticed her eyes. Maybe not. Two years ago, I probably wouldn’t have noticed either. She would have just seemed bored to me. But when you start to cut or stop eating, or throw up, you never see the world in the same way. You begin to notice the arms and wrists of the people, the way they hide their arms so you don’t see the lines along them. You begin to notice if the person eats or not, if she has that guilty or worried look after eating.

     You notice the people who go into the bathroom after eating, always alone. Once you’re on this side, you’ll notice the false and cynical smiles, where the only thing that is ‘happy’ is the mouth. Eyes are cold, sad and lifeless. When you get here, the world is never the same again. It’s like permanent lucidity. It’s suffocating.

     I sit up and go to the bathroom before I have another panic attack. The water is hot today. Maybe Trevor’s still asleep. I plug the drain and run a bath. I step in and submerge myself. I open my eyes underwater and look up. The bathroom ceiling’s all wavy. I pull my head out of the water slowly, my eyes fixed on the ceiling. My eyes are out of the water, but the ceiling’s still wavy. It doesn’t make sense.

     There’s also a loud tapping noise on my door. ‘Who is it?’ I call. The door swings open slowly. I slide my hands back into the water. If it’s my mom, I can’t let her notice my wrists. A little girl walks in. She’s about seven years old and she has blond hair. She looks just like…my heart goes into overdrive and I’m paralyzed. It’s Bonadel. The little girl is Bonadel.

     I try to get out of the tub, but I can’t move. She sits beside the tub and closes her hands around my neck. I start to cry. I’m struggling to move but I can’t. My body just won’t listen to me. Bonadel pushes my head into the water and I begin to drown. Then my body finally listens to me. I start trashing around, but it doesn’t do any good.

     My vision’s getting darker and my body’s moving more slowly now. I’m going to die at this rate. My body stops moving entirely and my vision goes completely dark. This is it. Game over. I can hear my name and feel my body shaking…or being shaken, I’m not so sure anymore.

     The voice gets louder and it’s familiar. My vision comes back in a flash. I feel hands on my shoulders and I scream. Then my vision comes into focus and I stop. I’m in my room, on my bed. Nikki’s sitting beside me with a worried look on her face. I’d just had another nightmare. ‘Nikki.’ I say, then hug her before she disappears. But she’s really there, and not just part of a vivid nightmare.

     I’m used to nightmares, but the ones with Bonadel in them are exceptionally horrible. ‘It’s okay,’ Nikki strokes my hair. ‘I’m here.’

You’ll never forget me. That’s what she told me. So far she’s kept her promise. Nikki lets go of me and I lean back in my bed. My head feels numb. I look over at my nightstand. There’s an empty glass of water and my pills are gone. I must have tried to overdose again.

     Every once in a while I try to commit suicide. It never works, though. When that happens I usually just cry. I cry a lot lately, whether I want to or not. And what’s worse is sometimes I’m not really sure what I’m crying about. I cry because I’m stressed and confused and irritated, and because life is just so damn hard and nothing ever goes according to plan.