To Whom It May Concern (Fransykes)

Chapter 3; I Suck, You Suck, We All Suck

Do you ever just feel your sanity slipping away? There's a smile on your face and you're not necessarily content but you're not sad, you're just... There. But then suddenly you're crashing down. The smile fades away and the comfort does too. There's this hollowness that's left behind. And you can't explain why but it happens over and over, all throughout your day, all throughout your life. 

I never really wanted to be like this, you know? I never wanted to stoop as low as I did, I never wanted to be the cause of my own demise. But at some point, it stopped being my choice. The doubt I had in myself, in my life, easily turned into some twisted sort of hatred over it. The things that I loved became what I hate, the little things that made me appreciate the fact that I was alive now just made me numb. 

There was no reason to go on. We live, we die, that's it. It's sad but it's true.

Funnily enough, instead of appreciating the short time we spend on this earth, we spend it trying to become perfect to others' eyes. Maybe not, maybe I'm one of the few people that do this but I doubt that's true. I know I care too much and I'm not the only one. I think that what differs me from other people is that I wouldn't change myself to please someone else, you know? I could be wrong, hell knows I probably am, but changing who I am just doesn't seem appealing, I guess you could say. I know I'm losing my point maybe, or these words are senseless but I've seen people change for someone else and I guess that's something I never saw the point in doing.

But then again, maybe that's what's wrong with me.

I don't like changes, I can't follow them rightfully. I have my own pace but my pace isn't enough. So I just... Don't.

A slow exhale left my parted lips, eyes tracing the dark ceiling. 

I had a love-hate relationship with the nighttime. 

The pros were that I could, a hundred per cent, be alone. No people buzzing annoyingly in my ear, no eyes sometimes passing over me, no need for me to struggle to pay attention to anyone or anything, I could just let my mind run free. The cons were that my mind would run free. As much as I hated forcing myself out of my little make-belief world, I know I shouldn't be as invested onto it. I know I should be more aware of my surroundings, I know I should live in the real world.

But I hated it.

Something about out there is just... Bad. With a lack of better words, it sucks. Surely, there are good things out there but how can someone enjoy the good things when the bad is almost deafening? How can someone smile at a birth when there are people out there losing their lives unjustly? How can someone smile at love when there's only smothering hate around them? How can people see only the good when the bad is stinking every-fucking-where?

I just don't get it. I'm ignorant. I know I'm ignorant but... Not enough to be happy when I know someone out there is in unchangeable pain that could be easily solved if a person who has too much just had an ounce of empathy.

I'm ignorant but I like to think I'm empathetic. 

But I know my empathy only goes so far.

There's this heaviness I carry with me. A heavy selfishness, a heavy dullness that I can't shrug off. Situations that I could have fixed if only I had cared a little more, situations which anguished me but I was too lazy to do anything about it, people I lost because I was, am, too dull, people who used I used to care for before I became too indifferent.

But I never became indifferent. I always care but how am I supposed to show that I care when I don't know how, or what, care is? I only treat people the way they treat me, why is that so wrong?

I could have been a better brother so many times. I could have stepped up to help Elissa, I could have defended her, I could have protected her but I don't even know how to do so for myself.