here we go, my mind is a mess again. to be honest i seem very happy last days, but i'm not sure if i feel the happiness. i'm kinda numb and even when i smile or laugh i feel nothing. it's like my soul is completely empty. i should talk about this with my mum, but i just can't, i don't want to hurt her just because i don't feel good. my two sides are fighting again. ana side wants to not eat and healthy side wants to eat. it's literally like there's a world war in my head. my hands were very shaky yesterday, maybe it's because i don't eat much again, technically just something small for lunch and little snacks and alsooo coffee. I drink two cups of coffee every day and i feel like it keeps me full, i don't feel hungry. i know i'm not eating a lot because my nails are starting to be purple at the bottom again and that always happends when i don't eat as much as i should. it's a signal that my heart is weak because i don't have enough energy, but there's another problem. my ana size is happy when i see it, because i finally don't feel like a failure. yes, maybe i'm not underweight anymore but even not underweight people can have bad eating habbits such as not eating enough or eating too much. i really want to escape from the reality last days. i'm a mess.
