My Mind is Hell

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I just feel so alone..and left out.. I made a new friend..she's actually my best friend...but lately we haven't talked much.. I said I would throw away my blades and not touch a lighter or smack a rubber band on my wrist l. But I'm horrible and pathetic.. I lied.. I didn't throw my blades away.. I keep the rubber bands.. I still have my lighter... She said she'd keep that promise if I kept end it..but she doesn't realize that she's way stronger then me.. She already quit once and she was good until I did something that I regret... I know she can keep the promise..but I can't ...my longest I went without cutting was 5 days... I've tried to quit I've tried to change myself I've tried fitting in! Nothing has worked... But everyone thinks I'm happy now! Fuck them they don't know shit...I'm still that suicidal girl I was 2nights ago! I shouldn't have listened to them..I should've kept going until I was dead... I wouldn't have been alone...I'm so Fucking alone it hurts ,everything hurts. And I'm just sitting here..waiting for a miracle..nobody talks to me anymore...at all They hate me..and I hate them for leaving me here alone..
They said not to let this stuff get to me ,to not let it break me..it's too late! They broke along time ago..and no one is fixing it..not even myself

I'm tired of trying