This is a more personal reflection of everything that has happened to me during 2014.
I think a lot of things happened this year. I got accepted into a top college, I graduated high school, I finally met my favorite influential Christian artists, I lost a good friend, I went on a mission trip, I finished my first semester of college, I made incredible new friends, and I counselled for a retreat.
It all seems like a blur and gone way too fast but every event this year really put things into a new perspective for me. I guess I didn't really notice it until I was praying on the last day of the year. God has been gracious to me, He has been disciplining me, He took things from me, and He continuously loved me despite my mistakes.
Going from the beginning of the year, my ex broke up with me in which I later found out was because he was starting to like someone else. It hurt a lot and I knew I was stupid to even do this again because it was our second time trying. In a way this brought me closer to God. I knew from the very beginning that God didn't want me to date him but I was so entranced of dating and of him that I disobeyed God. The breakup was hard especially because I had most of my classes with him, including the girl who he had interest in but I think the break up made me GO to God more than stray away from Him.
Before I knew it, it was graduation. It felt unreal but it happened and the next thing I knew it, I had a diploma in my hands. I wasn't necessarily close to one group of friends so it wasn't a sad ordeal.
Quickly after, I went to DC Fest 2014 where I got to meet a lot of Christian artists including Colton Dixon, Tenth Avenue North, Mandisa, and The Afters (and much more). I was starstruck by them (shamefully) and I do regret not telling Colton Dixon that his performance on American Idol, "Everything," by Lifehouse helped me so much in a dark time of my life. Anyways, that concert was just wonderful that we can come together in a "concert" and still worship God.
During the early summer, I lost a good friend. That story was part of my testimony in my Pittsburgh trip which is the chapter before this. I don't like talking about it much but I know God is still good.
In the fall, I attended university. For a while during my first semester at college, I felt very content and safe. I was immediately plugged into a Chrtistian church and an amazing fellowship. However, coming to a new place, comes meeting new people. These people, even though we have the same "religion," (ie: I don't like to use the word religion), had different beliefs than me and it really made me question whether my faith was right or their faith was right.
During this time, I felt some kind of spiritual low where I didn't hear God or see Him working in my life. I saw amazing things that God was doing in other people's lives but I felt a quietness in my life. At this point in my life, I knew God was real. I don't think there is any way I can say that He's not real because of all the things He had already done in the past. But still, I had this sense of emptines I couldn't explain.
At the time, I was doing QT more often than I was back in high school but when I read the Bible and prayed, I just felt like I was talking to myself. I knew the facts that God is always listening and He's always there but it really ddin't feel like it. I also saw a lot of hipocrisy and it really made me cynical about people's intentions in everything they do.
So basically I was probably the most cynical person and I was just so negative to the point that the dark thoughts I used to have during my middle school days - thoughts of shutting everything in the world and wanting to feel pain by cutting myself. These thoughts swam through my head and I began writing in my black journal where I used to write when I felt myself falling back to depression. I think it came to a point where I had to tell someone and I shared with my big (not a sorority but from church) about these feelings that were coming back. I think her listening and praying for me really helped me get this big weight off my shoulders. It didn't really change how I was feeling but it did make me feel like I wasn't alone.
This event happened very recently and I did feel a little better just by coming home for winter break and going back to my home church and Life Group (aka cell group). This also made me realize just how much I lacked appreciation for my home church. I missed the people and my pastor's sermons and I truly do appreciate just being home and trying to get my spritiual life somewhat straight.
I ended up talking to my pastor's sister who also happens to be a pastor in seminary school (recently graduated) and a mentor to me since I was 5. She asked me how college was and I told her it was pretty good and I made friends and was attending a church. She saw how much fun I had on Facebook and she was happy for me (as I had trouble being happy in middle/high school and am a natural introvert). I then proceeded to tell her that I've been having this emptiness and quietness from God and I became frustrated and my spritiual life semed to be in shabbles.
She questioned me why I was feeling that way because it seemed to be a time of peace and stillness. I was confused. My life seemed like it was crashing down. God wasn't doing anything in my life and I felt at fault like I was doing something wrong and that's why He wasn't talking to me.
She laughed and asked if I would rather have my life hard and challenging and obviously I didn't want that. It then got me questioning why God seems to be only there in times of suffering and not in times of peace. She told me that it's like that because of the depseration we are in when we are suffering and in pain. That made sense although I want to seek Him even in times of peace.
I guess that was when I realized my life was pretty peaceful - or at least the most peaceful it's been in a while. Yes, I had people with different Christian views and values but that was just a challenge God wanted me to see - nothing really that involves a life and death situation.
On top of that, when I got to be a counselor at my home church retreat, we all learned about unity and love (specifically 1 Corinthians 13). I learned what it was to love with God's love and what God's character is like. Through the kids I led, I learned love. I love each and single one of them and they taught me love through the love they had for me and for everyone in the group. I think that melted a lot of my bitterness and hard heart that was put up by my cynicism. Yes, there are evil and wicked people in this generation but there are also good people - maybe not as much - but still Godly people who love the Lord.
This also got me thinking about the love I need to show people back at my college. Even though we have different views and even greater different personalities, I still had to love them. They may do things that I think is wrong but they think it's okay but I'm not the judge, God is. My job is to reflect God's love to His people. Like the moon reflects on the sun, we must reflect on God's love.
If I were to sum up 2014 in one word it would be: love. I lost love when my ex broke up with me and when my friend died over the summer but I also gained love from my new and old friends. This Christian life is hard but no one ever said it would be a cake walk. Through our challenges in life and the downs and the heartbreak and just all the "crap" in life, God allows that to be an opportunity for us to grow in Him. So as 2015 comes, let's really trust in Him no matter what kind of curveballs life gives us.
