I don't know how long it's been, but my family started this sort of...training regimen. We have to do training everyday, which has many meanings. Sometimes we'll do reps, just basic squats, jumping jacks and push ups. Sometimes we'll do boxing, sometimes weights.
It's cowardly of me, but I find myself avoiding the harder work outs. And yes, maybe the fact that their harder plays a part. But my main reason is my anxiety. I've become excessively self conscious in the last few months.
To help you make sense of this, I'll explain further. We have a gym room in our house, it's on the same level as the roof. we've got a punching bag in there, a dummy, all our boxing things too.
My dad and siblings do the harder work outs up there. I prefer not to.
I'm not comfortable working out with my family, it's either that or I'm having an anxiety attack. I shake and start feeling sick. I cry sometimes.
My mum is very persistent with me, she says I have to do the work outs. Somehow it was only when we started this training thing that she realised how much I weighed.
I'm fat. I'm not gonna hide it, it's the truth. I won't stop you from telling me so, it's the truth.
My siblings find it funny. My brother teases me about it.
There's something about hearing it from your family that's just...unsettling to me.
All this anxiety and frustration from school work put together resulted in me confining myself on my room a lot more often. It feels good being on my own. It feels good sitting on my bed, face covered, with nothing but my thoughts.
John tries his best, but even my voice of reason has grown weak. I fear one day he'll be gone for good.
Being the weight that I am is not healthy. It stresses my mum out, she shouts at me to go upstairs and train, it's not pleasant refusing her. I've grown up doing everything my parents tell me.
What makes me a bit upset is how mad she gets. Not working out with my family because of anxiety is stupid. And staying in my room more often, keeping to myself, she makes it sound like it's disrespectful.
I wonder if she can come up to me one day and ask how I'm doing, a simple, 'Are you ok?' or 'Do you wanna talk?' I know I'd like that. Majority of the time she asks me anything like that she's mad. As if I've been an idiot being sad.
All in all...It's not my favorite time right now, I'm not always happy. But that's ok, as long as I can keep a positive mentality. As long as I maintain the wings I've sprouted, I think I'll keep on flying for now.
And yes I'm prone to a few turbulence, but I'm willing to bare with it. No emergency landings until completely necessary. I'll keep to that as best I can. My wings aren't tattered yet.
I'll try my best!
besides...,
I've already decided I'll go up for training tomorrow.
