dear nobody

f u n e r a l

"madeline?" my mum said, knocking on my door.

"come in." i said. i knew what she was doing. she was going to come in and tell me that the funeral was soon. and that i had to get ready.

"honey, you need to shower. and then you have to get ready. you know what's happening today." she said to me as she started picking up the mess around my room, it wasn't much of a mess, just a few pieces of scrap garbage paper from my letters.

"mom. i dont have to shower. i dont want to go. i dont want to say goodbye." i said as i felt my eyes start to fill with tears.

"madeline, i know its hard. but you have to get over him soon. you have trey now, and you know that." she said to me.

"and i bet that trey is probably getting worried that you haven't been going to school." she continued.

"he is fine. and he's not mine. he is just a friend. i dont have him. i have nobody anymore. i had brendan, he was the best thing. and hes gone now." i said as the tears started to roll down my cheeks.

"baby... dont sit and mope around. come on, you need to shower." she said as she walked out of my room, clicking the door shut.

as soon as she left i broke apart. i let the tears fall carelessly from my eyes and onto my pillows.

i want him back, i want him back more than anything. thats all i want. and of course, it could never ever happen.

i eventually got up and walked into the bathroom. it was just lying there as if it was asking for me to use it. my blade. i only found one in brendans room. he must've flushed the rest of them down the toilet.

i pulled up my right sleeve and made my first cut. most of my scars have gone away, except my few most recent ones.

why? i thought to myself. why would he leave me, when i needed him most? i thought as i was making three cuts.

i then, slid off my clothes and then got in the shower.

-

"are you ready for this baby?" my mom asked as we parked the car at the church. i looked over at her, tears already filling my eyes.

"no." i said as i opened the car door and walked in. i took a seat in the back row. i didn't want to be any closer to the body. i didn't want to see him, lying there lifeless. i don't even want to be here.

"madeline, come say your goodbyes." my mom said as she grabbed my wrist and pulled me up to the open coffin.

"mom, no." i whined as she continued to pull me to the front of the room.

she left me in the front of the room. alone. with no one to talk to, except him. who was lying there unable to respond. unable to be there when i needed him most.

"hi bren." i said as i looked down, his mouth was slightly parted like the way it was when we were about to kiss.

i miss our kisses. he was my first. he was my first everything. my first crush, my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first love, my first time. i miss him, i miss everything about him.

"i miss you. i have something for you. they are letters, you can't be that busy in heaven. please, there are only four. please read them brendan. i am going to bring you at least one letter each month bren. ill bring it by your grave. okay? ill see you when i get to heaven. i love you babe." i said as i laid the four letters in the coffin and went back to my seat.

i went back and sat in the back of the room for the rest of the funeral, the tears kept falling and my mom kept telling me it will be okay, but no one really knows. will i ever be okay again?