Our Supreme, Sarah Catherine Paulson

Love Me Like You Did (II)

Based on how exhausted you feel and the way your body aches in the morning, you can tell that you tossed and turned all night long.

After your eyes adjust, you automatically reach for your phone, a tiny habit that makes things feel more normal. But right now, everything isn't normal, and you know it won't be for quite a while. It's going to take some time to adjust to a new routine.

There seem to be at least two hundred new notifications, but this time you will yourself not to look; you know it will only make you feel worse. That's progress, right?

But you know that your willpower won't last forever. Blocking everyone's number seems like your only choice to prevent yourself from giving in. It still seems rude to block the all of the girls without saying something, though.

Zoe has always been your closest friend at the Academy, save for Cordelia, so you think you can trust her not to let anyone know you called.

You almost chicken out after the third ring, but she picks up before you can.

"Y/N! Bitch, what the fuck is wrong with you? Cord-"

"Zoe, listen carefully. I didn't call so you could yell at me. Do you really think this is easy for me? Because it's not. It's taken weeks for me to make this decision and gather the courage to actually go through with it. As much as I wanted to, staying isn't what's best for me, and I decided this would be the least painless for everyone involved. I just called to say that I would be blocking everyone's number, so please don't waste your time."

Throughout your whole monologue, you could hear her moving around, so you could only hope it wasn't to go find someone else.

"Have you even once thought of how Cordelia feels? You should see what you've reduced the Supreme to."

"Zoe, no. I'm not going to let you guilt me into coming back. I know I did what had to be done, as much as it hurt."

"Fine. Don't take it from me.

"Y-Y/N?"

Oh fuck. It's Cordelia. And she's crying. You're convinced you heart is actually going to break in two, but you can't let it show.

"Cordelia." You try not to let your voice waver. It's one word; you should be able to handle it!

"Y/N, I'm so, so, so sorry. A million times over. And I love you so very much."

And she twists the knife.

"Cordelia, please stop. I can't take it. Just... be with Misty, okay? I'm giving you my blessing or whatever. All I want is for you to be happy. If she has something I couldn't give you, you should go for it."

"What? No! You've misread the situation. I-"

"You nothing. I just can't do this to myself anymore; I need to move on. Goodbye, Cordelia."

This time you do manage to press the end call button. You let out a sigh and take a deep breath in an effort to calm down, but ultimately you end up breaking down again. It must be at least the tenth time you've found yourself crying in the fetal position within the span of just a couple of days, but you can't bring yourself to care.

Only one thing is going to make you forget.

You rummage in your suitcase and find the shortest dress you own. You're not going to let yourself stay hung upon one woman for the rest of your life, Supreme or not.

You jump in the shower, and visualize the steaming water washing off all traces of the mess you've become.

You blow dry your hair, and apply more makeup than you have in years. Surprisingly, it looks good.