Always Forever

one

Jamie 🦋

"And so the teacher gave all of us an F! because of that one person!" Yasmin, my younger sister, shrieked, ending her tirade that has been going on basically the whole time we were having breakfast.

"That's sad sweetie, I'll talk to him and give him a piece of my mind." Mom gave Yasmin a reassuring smile while I just picked at my food in response. We both knew that mom wasn't actually going to do anything. She was just saying that to pacify Yasmin for the time being. And it looks like it had worked, because Yasmin was now angrily munching on her food. I laughed at the sight and she looked up at me with her eyebrows furrowed. She looked like she was about to question it but she just shrugged and went back to eating.

I sighed, picking up my bag and standing up from the table. "Aight, I'm ready to head out." I walked over to the fridge and picked up a bottle of water before putting it in my bag. My mom looked at me with a look filled with concern "But you've barely eaten anything." She argues, trying to convince me to stay and eat. I simply gave a shrug and opened the door "Not hungry." I walk out, not bothering to close the door as I start on my way to school.

Just as I hop on my bike, I see Yasmin trailing behind me with her own bike. "You know, you'll probably regret not eating anything by second block." 

We went to the same school. I sometimes found that annoying, the way she was sure to always be trailing behind me, never letting me get even a bike ride to school alone. But it still strangely provided some comfort, especially with the whirlwind of emotions rattling within me at the moment.

"Whatever, I'll just eat at break or something." I said with a lackluster tone. That, of course, was a lie. I had no plans to even go to school.

And this becomes obvious to Yasmin as well, as she sees me making a different turn than I am supposed to for school.

Subsequently, her face scrunched up in confusion, "Hello, earth to Jamie. You're making the wrong turn." She said, her voice slowly fading away as I pedaled faster

"No, I'm skipping!" I shouted at her gradually retreating figure. "What the-" I didn't have the time to finish hearing what she said as I made another sharp turn.

I kept looking back every once in a while to see wether she was catching up with me. Or if she even bothered to follow me at all. She didn't. I shouldn't have wanted her to, but it was moments like these that made me sort of miss the built-in tail of mine that she begrudgingly (at least, that's what she pretends) takes on the role of.

"Whatever." I muttered to myself, following the directions to westridge park which I had written down after endlessly searching on google maps. I had barely been there more than thrice. I was only forced to go there a few times for a picnic with my family. It stopped being fun when I turned 12, much like many other things.

Before my little pity party could go on any longer, I realized that I was just about there. After halting the bike to a stop, I took a look at the directions I had haphazardly taped to the bike to make sure I was at the right place. Yup. We're here. I got off the bike and kicked it off to the side.

As I walked towards the old abandoned gate that was clearly manned by nobody anymore, I realized that I should maybe feel some guilt about what I'm about to do. And of course I don't mean entering the park illegally through an old gate (because no way in hell am I paying anything to look at some trees at most), but the fact that I wanted to take my own life. I thought that I should feel bad about how mom or Yasmin would feel, but weirdly, that was the last thing on my mind. I had thought about this, over and over again. Initially, my overthinking it made me feel like I had made the ultimate decision, that I was sure. But now, as I literally walked towards my death, I suddenly felt that, maybe, if I had to think about it so much, the pain just wasn't that bad. And just as quickly as that thought came, I was pushing it away. I had stuck myself in this very cycle for the past few months, but I didn't want to think about anything anymore.