If I Had You

Prologue

Tears were streaming down my face, as I turned to speak to him. "I am not-" My voice started to crack, "a toy" tears were beginning to stream into my mouth. "You can't keep using me like this!" I tried to point at him, but my hand kept shaking. "I just want to fall in love with you! But you never give me a goddamn chance!" I couldn't stop sobbing, I was falling for the boy who didn't even care about me. I threw my hands down. "I...I can't believe I let you lead me on this long. I should've known, you didn't care." I shook my head and walked away, never looking back.

    I walk into my room, my eyes instantly land on my bed. Memories start to push their way to the surface, tears threaten to fall. I hold back the sob as I shut my door, and walk to my dresser. I pull out his hoodie; and slip it over my head, not caring about my rain-soaked clothes. My wet shoes shuffle across the dark plush carpet, I slowly sit on the corner of my bed. I kick my shoes off, and crawl to the top of the bed, before slipping under the cold covers. The tears start to fall once again, the memories come to surface and start to play in my head: We were laying on my bed, talking about all of the things we loved. He turned his head ever so slightly, and kissed my forehead. "You are so beautiful" is what I hear him whisper as his lips brush my head. I smiled and dug my head into his chest. I wiggle out of his arms, and sit up. I give him a sly smile before I sit on top of him, straddling him. He smirks and places his hands on my hips. I giggle before leaning down and peaking his lips. He smiles and pulls me down; I open my mouth expecting a deep kiss, all he does is press his lips against the corner of my mouth. My head falls back and I laugh before giving into the deep kiss. His hands move from my hips, they rub against my sides. His hands never stop moving. I smile into the kiss and push it further. I bring my body close to his, my confidence building. My hands started to roam his chest, discovering everything. The front door downstairs slams shut, I race to get off of him. I go and mess with the music, and wipe my lips. I turned around and noticed he pulled a blanket onto his lap. I smirk, proud of what I was able to do to him. I walk back to the bed, and crawl next to him, just as my mom stood in the doorway.

I push the memory back down, not being able to handle the emotions from that day. I pull his hoodie off me, I throw it at the wall. My legs kick the blankets off, and I slink out of bed. Tears streamed down my face as I tried to open my door. Eventually I opened the door, I slowly shuffled my way to the bathroom. Pulling a towel out from under the sink, and turned on the shower. I slowly strip my clothes, imagining how his hands ran up and down my body, taking off one article at a time. Once I was bare of any clothing, I stared at my reflection. My eyes were puffy and red, the green looked so bright against the red. My cheeks were stained with tears, my ponytail was loose and falling out. I looked like a mess. I shake my head and stepped into the warm water.

    I walk into school the next day and I see him standing there, laughing with his friends. I make eye contact, pleading he would say something. But he looks away and continues to joke with his friends. My legs felt like jelly as I walked past, as I was walking towards my first period, I passed a window. I could see my reflection. My eyes were slightly red from lack of sleep, my hair was pulled into a messy bun, and my hoodie looked too big. I shrug my shoulders and continue to shuffle to my first class of the day.

    Throughout the day I kept seeing him, he was everywhere. I turned to talk to my friends and there he was, laughing and smiling. But the part that really hurt was the text I received before lunch.

                Hey... Can we talk during lunch? Usual spot?

The text brought a smile to my face and I waited ten minutes to the lunch bell to text back.

    Of course we can :)

He never responded, but when the bell rang I slung my bag over my shoulder. I quickly rushed to drop my bag off in my next class, and to our spot. I saw him standing there, arms leaning over the railing as he stared at the field. I walk up and stand next to him. We stood in silence for a moment, before he slings his arm over my shoulder.

"I'm sorry, okay?" He murmurs and turns my body to face him. "I wasn't using you, I just didn't want to-" He stops talking and drops his arm off my shoulder. "I don't know, I guess I don't really have an excuse." He shrugs. I look down at my feet, before peering up at him through my eyelashes. He was looking at me, he noticed me staring at him. He pulls me into a hug and kisses my head. "I missed you, and I missed these lips" He murmurs and tilts my head up and kisses me. The kiss was soft and short. I wrapped my arms around his neck and brought him closer. His hands landed on my waist before slowly moving down and landing on my ass. I didn't care, I was just glad he wanted me as much as I wanted him. I smiled, causing him to push the kiss deeper. We continued until the lunch bell rang. He released my lips and whispers, "great talk." and walks away. I stood there in shock, he used me again. I crawled right into that.

    Lunch was terrible, I still couldn't believe that I fell for his trap...again.

        Tomorrow? Same spot, Same time? ;)

                                Yea I still need to talk to u ;)

A smile slowly formed, maybe I could talk some sense into him. Maybe he won't use me anymore.

    The lunch bell was about to ring, I was already waiting in our spot. I was looking out onto the field, the wind was starting to pick up. I wrapped my jacket closer to my body, when suddenly his arms wrapped around my body. I turn around so I'm facing him, but still in his arms. I peck his lips. "But today I actually wanna do some talking." I whisper against his lips. He starts to pull away. "No, please don't. Yesterday we did what you wanted. Please. Please listen to what I have to say." I begged for him to stay, you could hear the plea in my strained voice. He stopped pulling away, and moved to sit on the bleachers. I slowly walked to sit next to him. "I didn't think you would actually stay." I whisper and meet his brown eyes with my green ones. He looks away and his hands fidget.  I reach for his hands, he pulls them out of reach. I look at the field, and see all the trees blowing in the horizon. "This was a mistake." I murmured before standing up, the wind was blowing my jacket wide open. "I'm sorry. I'm..I'm just gonna go." I whisper under my breath, before walking past him. My legs threaten to buckle underneath me, but I continue walking up the ramp back to the school.

"Wait!" His voice echoes throughout the stadium. I turn around and my eyes land on his figure running up the ramp to me. He stops in front of me, he pulls his hand out of his pocket. "You forgot your phone." His face showed no emotion, he shoves his hands back into his sweatshirt pocket and walks to school. My heart broke watching him walk away. I forced myself to walk back to school, leaving my shattered heart in the stadium; where I spoke to him for the first time, I noticed the blue hue in his brown eyes, I realized I wanted a future with him.