Like the title says, this is more of a message to everyone who reads this collection rather than an actual chapter. It's a new year now. See how quickly time flies by? We all woke up this morning and it was 2012, so what happened? As people get older time goes by quicker, because now we know what to do with that time that is given to us. I know that everyone who is reading this is suffering, or has suffered. In this new year, I want to remind you all that you can still recover. You can get better. I know it's hard. I've been through tough times as well, but I know you all can recover. This new year, I want you all to add to your resolution to love yourselves more, and to try and be better.
I was born in the Philippines, and I stayed there until I was three years old. When I was four, my whole family decided to move to America. It was for the good of my studies, and because of a job offer that my father got as an engineer. He would go to work, and he wouldn't come home some times. He would simply drink and drink and drink, and sleep with other women. He completely forgot about me and my mom. He just didn't care. He was never around for my birthdays. I did everything to try and make him proud. I was doing well in school. I was the smartest girl, and I recieved many awards. I always waited for him to be proud of me, but he never was. That was when I learned my first lesson in life: you can love someone so much, but sometimes they will never love you back.
Because of my father's ways, my parents went through a divorce. That was when I realized fairy tales are just shit, and that there is no love; there is no forever. Since then I had trust issues, but I was foolish enough to still make friends. Those friendships were unhealthy. They would always try and use me, and they all bullied me. When they decided they didn't need me anymore, they would all just leave. I was only a child then. I learned early on about how fake people can be, and how nobody really cares or understands you but yourself. I learned to hate the world.
I was so mad. I took out all my anger at everyone at I met, even if they were doing nothing to me. I bullied many people, and made them feel like shit. At the time I thought I was helping them learn that there is no happiness in this world. And then I realized what I was doing was terribly wrong. They were young and innocent. They weren't exposed like me. They were naive. They had not seen the monsters in this world like I had. I should have never shown them. It didn't take too long until I realized I was alone.
I was alone, and I had done that to myself. Everyone was afraid of me, and they all hated me. Although, I knew that they had good reasons. At first, all I would do was cry. Then I got used to getting by by myself. When it was just me, I changed my ways, or at least, I tried. A new girl came. She was pretty, but she was never warned about me. She approached me, and we became friends. It was only after we became friends was she warned about me, and she said to them, "No, you're all wrong. She's changed." She described me in this way:
"She's been alone. Now she's kind. She's so, so kind because she knows what it's like when nobdoy cares. She's quiet, because she's used to people not wanting her. She's so careful with her words because she knows what it's like to hurt. She never leaves you; she knows what it's like to be left alone. She's changed a lot, guys. Just go near her, and you'll see it."
Still, nobody believed her. She is still my best friend to this day. She later discovered that I was suffering with major depression, anorexia, and social anxiety. She didn't tell me until then that she had been suffering in the same way. It all made sense to me then: how she understood me so well. She knew everythinng I was going through. We both understood each other far too well.
Time passed on, and we had to go back to the Philippines. I did not say goodbye to my best friend, because I knew that no matter what distance there was between us, we would not grow apart. In my new school, I promised that I would forget about all the bad things that happened to me, but I would never forget what they taught me. What happened to me changed my personality forever, but I continued to show them all who I was. The shy, kind, lonely girl. And somehow, I got them all to like me. Because of all the supportive people in my life right now, I was slowly getting over my disorders. I'm more okay now than I was then, but it still is not completely gone. I am still fighting those demons, those old "friends" of mine, but I know I will not allow myself to ever lose another battle with them again.
My message:
If any of you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. Message me, or ask for my kik, and I shall gladly help you. You are not alone.
Recovery is possible.
Do not give up.
