The Traveler

Chapter 36

Her still reflection suddenly rippled, distorting the image and giving her face goofy proportions before settling and becoming once again flat and still.
Maxine gazed blankly into the cold bowl of soup resting on a tray in her lap. Soup may have been an overstatement as it was really a bowl of stale broth with a few, soggy and limp vegetables strewn throughout it.
The face staring back at her wasn't her own. Her eyes were bloodshot and the skin around them was pink and puffy. Resting under her eyes were dark bags that not only told everyone how little she'd slept recently but also added to her horrific look. This was the result of not sleeping or eating over the past few days. Even her cheeks which were normally bright, and blush were pale and sunk into her face. Her lips appeared similar and were drawn into a tight downward curve.

Again, the soup rippled but it was not her face that Maxine saw this time. She closed her eyes and all manner of scenes flashed and resounded in her mind.
A field of soft wisps of grass soaked in blood and littered with bodies. Rainfall tried its best to wash the blood from the rocks and ground, eventually becoming so saturated that it created thin rivers of red trickling across the ground and running past corpses.
The scene faded and another took its place.
A rock adorned with rough carved letters all across its surface rested atop a mound of freshly churned soil.

Then another, this one of a field of white flowers in which her sister stood, staring at her. A calm breeze whisked her hair around as well as caused every flower to sway gently. The sweet aroma of the plants was intoxicating, and the warmth of the wind surrounded her momentarily before she was ripped from the scene and returned to reality, gasping and struggling to remain in the vision. In a flash of anger, she threw the tray away from her sending the soup flying through the air and the bowl crashing to the ground with a loud, hollow crack.
The pain of each scene struck her and every muscle in her body stiffened. Tears would've fallen from her eyes, but she had none to shed, all of them being spent the day before. Instead she brought her knees to her chest and nestled her head in her arms. She knew how childish she must've looked but honestly, she didn't care. All she wanted right now was to wake up at home, back in Boston in her crumbling house. She wanted to smell the familiar scent of ash in the air and feel the warm and slightly irradiated breeze tickle her face. She wanted to walk the familiar streets of Sanctuary and Diamond City and to wave to all of her friends. Most of all however, she wanted to feel the cool and familiar feeling of Nick's strong arms wrapped around her. She wanted to bury her face in his soft coat and hear the faint clicking of his mechanical heart. With his smooth, soothing voice he would tell her everything was okay and that he loved her but even those words were drowned out from her memory and replaced by the sound of him screaming at her. Even his memory was ruined, and Maxine discovered to her horror that she couldn't remember anything about him before their argument. Her recollection of him was tainted.

After a while she felt a gentle hand on her shoulder.
She raised her head and saw Esbern sitting beside her on the cot, staring into her and embracing her with the peace in his blue eyes. He was solemn and reflected all manner of emotions such as pity and understanding. In a very quiet, very calm and feeble voice he whispered, "Rok fen enook luv nol miin, ahrk dinok fent kos nid."
"Please." Maxine begged, "please no more. I-I'm so sick of being here. I'm sick of the pain and of the struggle both here and home. I just... I just don't want this anymore. I just don't want the pain anymore."
At the moment, Maxine wasn't sure what pain was worse. Was it that now two people had died while she was here? Was it that she couldn't protect Delphine and that, in her mind, though they'd won the battle they really hadn't gained anything? Or was it the pain of her son or of her husband? Was it the feeling of guilt and shame that now accompanied any memory of Nick Valentine? All of these stuck in her heart like poisoned arrows and constantly drained her. She wasn't strong enough to carry those burdens around with her. In fact, she wasn't strong at all.
"You are giving up."
Though she wanted to be sad to admit it, Maxine really wasn't. "Yes, I'm giving up. I'm giving up on Skyrim and on whatever destiny I'm supposed to pursue here. I'm giving up on Nick and the naïve idea that I may see any of them again. I'm giving up on m-my son and Crystal..." The last two she could barely push out of her tight, dry throat. Those two people may be the only two in the world she knew she could never give up on.

"When I was a boy, years and years ago, my mother, my father and I lived in Cyrodill. We'd come to the Imperial Province seeking shelter from the severity of the Great War raging across Tamriel."
Maxine was perplexed as to what this had to do with anything but nonetheless, she was curious and didn't interrupt as he continued.
"As far as my early life in Cyrodill... it was never unbearable. My father, loyal to the Empire and to Titus Mede II was an outstanding soldier and his military merit, strategy and superior swordsmanship earned him a place in the army's front lines, leading assaults and planning attacks. He served as a commander and at his word legions of Imperials marched into battle. As for my mother and me, we made a simple life for ourselves in the city in the hopes that when father returned from the war, he would live out his days in comfort and peace with us."
He paused and smiled at the memory of their little stone house in the city. He recalled the beautiful flowers which sprung up in their yard during the spring and the smell of his mother's cooking. He could even hear her voice calling up to him in the evenings for dinner.
"Looking back on it, I should've realized how naïve a thought that was, but I was a child filled with innocence and with the purity of youth. In the first days of Frostfall, when the cold winds of Skyrim blew down from the great mountains Valus and Jerall, an Imperial notification officer came to our home in the Talos Plaza District in the early hours of the morning. Such men were not uncommon given the state of the war but every wife shuttered at the sight of them and silently prayed he hadn't news of her husband. My mother saw him coming down the street and nearly fainted when she saw him stop in front of our house and come to our door. I remember coming downstairs, having been awaken by her crying. She told me to go back to bed and that everything was going to be alright and though I was confused I obeyed. Her sobs kept me awake however as well as the feign attempts made by the officer to ease her grief. The news he'd brought was that my father was dead.

She pitied him for his father's untimely death, she really did, but the unknown intentions of the story made her a bit impatient and he read her mind.
"I know what I just said seems irrelevant but it's because I haven't finished yet. What I learnt that day as I lay in my bed, trying to cover my ears hoping that if I didn't hear it, it wouldn't be true and as my world crumbled around me is that when people are taken from you and I think a lot have been from both of us, you can't let yourself go with them. When a piece of your life is removed and it's a piece upon which you've built so much on all your left with when they're gone is the shattered remains. Then it's up to you to determine what you're going to do with them. And it was hard, I can't even describe how hard it was for me and my mother but eventually we let him go. Then later in my life, a bit closer to this age, when the White-Gold Concordat was signed at the end of the Great War and the Blades were forcibly disbanded, I lost everything and everyone I'd lived for and again I felt like the young child who'd lost his father to the world. I felt used up and emptied. I was like you are right now. I wanted to give up."
Maxine shifted as she realized where he was going. Now she was involved in his story.
"You want to know what set me straight? I thought back to my mother, how strong she was when everything went astray and how she knelt beside me, took one look at all the broken pieces before me and helped me rebuild my life. And to my surprise, a lot of the pieces I had were not entirely useless. Those two events in my life, my father dying, and the disbanding of the Blades would eventually lead me into the sewers where I lived as a hermit until Crystal found me. Then I met Delphine and we rebuilt the Blades. Now however..." He trailed off momentarily and for a brief second Maxine swore she saw his eyes water slightly before he continued. "I must remove her piece from my life... but not from my heart. No one ever truly dies in our hearts. And somehow, though I can't explain it, I know we will meet again as saints and live together in the eternal joy and harmony of a new world.

His words sparked the memory of attending church as a child and sitting in a white pew next to her mother. He spoke many times of heaven and of a place eternally apart from suffering. At the moment that place felt an eternity away.
Even if her and Delphine met again someday the fact still remained that she was dead and was the second person Maxine had failed to protect. There was that lingering question of how Crystal would react when she found out followed by the guilt of knowing she couldn't protect everyone though she continually tried. She had failed just as she couldn't have saved Nate. How much different would the world have been if she had been holding baby Shaun when that triggered was pulled?
"If I can't save the people Crystal loves how am I to save all of Tamriel?" She asked, that question being the only one to escape her lips.
"By picking up the pieces." He replied with a smile.
Then Maxine realized that she'd done that time and time again back home. When she first discovered that she may never see Crystal again as her watch was lost what had she done? Moved on and tried to make the best of the situation. When Nate was killed, and her son taken? She'd rose from the vault and braved a whole new world to get him back. What made this time different though was that when she left the vault, the thing keeping her going was the piece of her son which she bore with her through every battle, through every sleepless night and painful memory. What was the piece she had with her now?
Crystal, she thought. That was her piece. and the hope of saving Skyrim for her, and Shaun and Nick. Everyone back home was her piece, driving her through pain and struggle. They were always with her.
For the first time since her passing, Maxine felt a slight relief from the pain. It was short but she knew given time it would grow, and healing would happen.
"Thanks, Esbern."
His "your welcome" was cut off by her stomach which growled loudly.
After sharing a laugh he stood up and offered her his hand.
"Come on, let's get you something to eat."