Loving in Silence

In Silence

Beam POV

Phana sniffed then took a deep breath before speaking again.

"I have nothing more to ask in my life."

"My family is comfortable."

"I have my friends who support me."

"I have a bestfriend who have never left me and loved me more than his life." Phana said while looking at Forth.

"Everything I wanted, I got them."

"Everything I dreamed of, I made into reality."

"And the most important thing is..."

"...that I met you."

"...that I loved you."

"You loved me too until the end." He added with a sweet smile.

Phana looked at the camera silently. His face started to shirt to melancholy.

"I'm not afraid to die babe."

"I know everyone will eventually meet that fate."

"It's just that, I'll be the first one to go."

"And I accept that."

"But..."

Phana's lips quivered. Fresh tears fell from his eyes again.

"...what about you?"

"Who will be beside you now in the cinema when watching horror movies?"

"Who will change the lightbulb now when it burns out?"

"Who will fix things now when something is broken?"

"Who will help you now drive away the spiders inside the bathroom?"

"Who will help carry stuffs now when you're carrying heavy loads?"

"Who will now bicker with you when you let your hunger pass?"

"Who will try to understand you now when you're having tantrums?"

"Who will take care of you now?"

He dropped his head again, held on his chest, and shook his head. I knew immediately that it was not a pain caused by the cancer. But it was much more painful, heartache.

"I'm not afraid to die babe."

"I'm scared to leave you all alone."

"Just thinking about it... hurts me."

"It hurts..."

"...horribly." Phana almost said that last one as a whisper. He drooped his head low again and clutched his chest.

My tears fell like rain. There's nothing I want to do but hug him that instant.

But how? He's gone...

My mind wanted to stop watching the video but my heart was against it.

I can do this. I can do this.

Phana rested his back on the pillow behind him. He looked up and closed his eyes as if on a prayer. He held his chest again and gently massaged it. His breathing was still heavy. His tears continue to fall from his eyes. It was big torture for me to watch Phana's struggle. It's as if my heart was being crushed with a vyse. But he's fighting, that's why I need to harden my resolve to watch this until the end.

Phana didn't speak for a few minutes. I'm not sure if he was thinking of what he'll speak of next or he was just really struggling to speak.

Few moments later, the camera moved and it was titled again towards the ceiling. I thought that was the end of the video and I decided to stop it but then Phana's voice suddenly interjected.