The Man Who Walked Alone

How had I got to this place? All the lost time, my age, my son, my friends, how could I understand this moment?

«I can no longer cope with this suffering! I would like to know how to fix my life »Rafael thought when she was in front of Angela's grave.

It was a beautiful sunset, how could life turn something so beautiful into something so dark and full of shadows? The high contrasts filled the ground with dark shadows, in front of a newly covered grave is Rafael with Emilio in his arms, a boy of just one year of age. Tired and emaciated, he fixes his gaze on the grave, on the lump of earth that covers his wife's body. Emilio, the boy, without understanding, touches Rafael's face.

-How I wish I could tell you how much I love you, what we need.

At that time I did not understand what was happening, suddenly life took it from me, why was God doing this to me? Only the question echoed within me: why me? I didn't even stop to think about Emilio, poor boy, he was only one year old. It is as if my selfishness did not let me see the whole panorama, I just thought that love had already moved away from me.

-How could I be so selfish?

The central square of the city is surrounded by trees, in the center there is a kiosk and at the end, the beautiful Baroque-style cathedral. It is also full of benches, in which there are people sitting letting time pass, as if nothing else existed for them. People of all races, ages and cultures are walking aimlessly and in various directions and, just at the end of the plaza sitting on a fountain, Rafael is dressed in the same suit he was wearing the day Angela was buried. From her appearance, you realize that many years have passed, her face is tired, painted as a clown and with some wrinkles from the sun. Sad and full of pain, he approaches an old red bicycle and next to it, a broken suitcase. From this she takes a clown nose and a white makeup pencil, with her fingers she stains her eyes, with the intention of retouching. His sight is lost, in his eyes you can only see the gaze of someone who is trapped in the past.

The suffering, loneliness, doubt and pain of a mourning for the loved one can lead all souls to confusion. And Rafael was not the exception. He takes a deep breath, fills his lungs with air, trying to ease the pain in his heart. Breathe again and prepare for your presentation.

As a child when my father died, the only thing that made me happy at that time was riding a bicycle. How I wish my life was different, but from an early age I experienced pain. And now the same. Why can't I find happiness ?!

Rafael's face magically transforms when he takes his bike, he manages to hide his feelings, behind that nose and the makeup. People, when they see the clown making his presentation on top of the bicycle, laugh and applaud.

«I enjoy seeing them laugh, all those children. Those happy families.

A boy when seeing Rafael doing the show with his bicycle, surprised says to his mother:

-Look Mom! What a father does you!

Hours go by, the sun goes by, people come to see Rafael's street show. Once again darkness fills the central plaza and Rafael sits on a bench waiting for the new day.

A beautiful home, a modest house, the walls painted in bright colors. Angela is in the kitchen preparing an omelette for breakfast. She is a beautiful woman, always happy. In front of him in the dining room are Emilio and Rafael waiting for their breakfast. The boy plays with food. Rafael reads the newspaper.

I still remember that morning, I still remember you in the mornings, I don't know how you did it, I was not an easy person with my mood swings. But not you, you were always happy. So I did not realize your illness.

Angela approaches Rafael, gives him a hug from behind and murmurs in his ear, smiling.

-Nervous?

Rafael turns to see and answers

-For the work? Not at all.

She smiles at him, she knows it's just pride trying to hide the nerve from her work.

As much as the sun was beautiful, I could not see the beauty, I did not understand anything that was happening, I was barely 27 years old and I was already experiencing this great pain, I did not know what mourning was, much less had I experienced loneliness.

Poor boy, what is he going to do without his mother? Why did you leave us! What happens to God? I hardly know how to take care of myself, but Emilio, what's going to happen to him? I don't understand! God please! Answers!

The evening is full of shadows, the beautiful light illuminates the cemetery and covers the ground with high contrasts, but for Rafael it is impossible to see all that beauty. Next to the grave are only he and Emilio his little son. The boy dressed in his black suit is nothing more than life forcing a one-year-old boy to mature, he does not understand what is happening, he only sees and plays with the lost face of his father. He does not understand that his mother is dead, and that now there is only him and his father; Although Rafael is no longer in this world, his body as a zombie in front of Angela's grave, is still with him. It is as if Rafael was already dead while alive.

The beautiful square of the city of Chihuahua, full of trees, the great kiosk and the great cathedral are again witnesses of the sad and dirty clown who is sitting in the fountain next to the pigeons, and to one side of him, the old colored bicycle red, rusty and worn. Again the gentlemen sitting on the benches, see the time pass, and the habit of seeing the sad clown next to his bicycle; It has made people from newspapers, boleros and vendors consider Rafael as one more element of the square.

Time has passed and every day I think more about you. I blame myself, how could I have been so clumsy, I let myself go, I never knew how to control myself, I think I deserve this, I feel that I deserve this, I would have liked it to be different. But that no longer matters, there is no one to forgive me. God has already forgotten me.