Suicide Pact

Suicide Pact 4

Eventually I did have to go back to school. It was January. Id spent three weeks wasting away at home, no one spoke in my home. Sometimes it felt like no one breathed.

I was actually more or less happy to go back to school, to seem at least a bit normal again, and to not have reporters harass me and my family anymore.

Today was my first day back, and idea of actually going back had set in and made my insides turn. Id been locked away and hidden from the ignorant minded world for a grand total of almost 3 months, and today I was expected to get up, shake off the numbness that circulated my body, and become a perky seventeen year old.

6:00 am.

The alarm was a naisly buzz that seemed to be on max volume and left my ears ringing. Finally I forced myself to roll over, and slammed my arm over the clock, managing to hit every damn button but snooze. My arm stung momentarily because I'd forgotten the still healing cuts that remained.

Getting ready wasn't anything unusual, same dirty old jeans, same sweatshirt with blood stains on the arms that I couldn't washout. I didn't really care what people thought of how I looked, besides, Im sure they'd be more concerned with my recent scandal then my ratty jeans.

I walked, saving my self a silent ride with my awkward mother to the bus stop. Before leaving I kissed Grandmom by and waved vaguely to my mother, who was barely up from her hangover nap. This was all the family I had. Grandmom, who was occasionally home in between hospital stays. And mother, who was so stunned by everything that she barely spoke anymore. Well, its not like she spoke to me before the...incident. She and my father divorced a year ago, leaving her with no reason to be remotely happy.

The walk was long. Just the silence of a foggy morning and the quiet sound of my sneakers hitting the sidewalk.

When I arrived the bus stop was vacant, I silently prayed that I hadn't missed the bus, but after checking my old watch, I found I was exceptionally early. I sat on the bench, alone. Letting the light breeze sweep up my dark hair, the others arriving, there stairs evident. But I didn't care.

Just get through the day, and then I'll go home and regain the numbness.

There's no need to explain the bus ride, it was what I expected. Long boring and spent alone. The understatement of my life....Wow, am I pathetic.

Middleton High was crowded, the only high school in our small district. And from the moment I walked in, it seemed that every pair of eyes in a school of over 1000 students, were fixated directly on me.

I wanted to crawl underneath the covers to my bed, that I longed for so much, and sleep.

1st period, Geometry. Fine. 2nd period , Chemistry. OK. 3rd period, Gym. NO

Gym was one thing I didn't expect. I'd forgotten that my schedule had postponed gym till the third semester, and unfortunately this was the third semester, and I wasnt planning to attend third semester.

I walked unsteadily into the lockeroom, the warm air taking me by surprise, and my ears stinging from the loud laughter coming from the outstretching locker rows. I ruffled in my bag for the slip of paper reminding me of my locker number.

As I expected, they all went silent when I entered my row, surprising me that they didn't catch flies with there jaws dropped like that. I kept my head down, my hair working as a shield.

My locker combination was simple, and I tried to change as fast as possible, unfortunately forgetting about my scars. As I removed my sweat shirt, I heard a girl mumble to another one of her friends near her.

"Holy Shit, she shouldn't be hear, shes a nut. Look..." she touched another girls arm to get her attention. "Look, her arm."

I held back everything, biting on my tongue, the blood seeping through I slipped my gym shorts over top my pants, saving them the gasps from the remaining stitches from the scars on my legs.

I scuffled out of the row as quickly as I could but not with out difficulty. At last minute a girl stopped me, her clean arm outstretched, blocking my way.

"You know, alot of people feel bad for you...but I don't. If you were gonna chicken out you should have told someone else about the others...that's just...well kind of shitty. I mean...Ryan was gonna ask me out?!" Her calm voice morphed into a shriek at the end of her little speech, gaining the attention of everyone in the locker room.

I recognized her..it was Amy, one of the many annoying cheerleaders that claimed to "rule" Middleton High.

I retreated, my eyes getting watery no matter how hard I tried to resist crying.

I found myself in our room. The last place I saw them.... She was right. I didn't deserve to live.

I paced the room, my steps feeling heavier and heavier with every thought that passed my mind.

Finally, I lost it...a feeling I'd grown used to. I found the mirror that clung to the wall in our secret meeting room. A mirror I'd seen a million times before. I stared. Stared at a girl I thought I knew. A girl I thought was a murderer. A girl I deeply hated. And I hit her...

The glass shattered of course...breaking in too a million shards and falling to the ground. In a state of shock, I picked up the sharpest blade of glass I coud manage, pushed back my sleeve...and cut.

The amount of blood was more than normal, and I knew I needed stitches and an excuse to not have to come back to this hell called school.

I checked the halls and the time to make sure my get away wouldn't be disrupted by the change of classes, and once sure...I stepped out nervously, rushing weakly to an exit, praying for no one to find me. I was growing tired, the blood seeping through my sweatshirt, barely concealed by my hand firmly gripping the deep wound.

I sped up, seeing the back doors to the school....but just as I reached them I heard someone scream from behind me.

"Hey...Are you alright!?Your bleeding!" A boy called from what sounded like close distance behind, followed by fast footsteps.

The only thing more alarming then the feeling of being caught in my own strange way of feeling relief, was the strange fact that this voice was familiar. It was Nathan...my best friend.

Well....he was.