Hot Mess (Niall Horan)

Less Then Nothing

I didn't see everything the lads brought in with them due to my teary eyes but there was a lot, and when I say a lot I mean it looks like they bought half a mall! They stood in a line with their arms full of different things. Liam was first giving me a huge grin when he walked closer. He handed me oreos and a pack of gummy bears before speaking.

"We knew that oreos are your favorite and Harry suggested gummy bears because he remembered that was one of the few sweets you like." I look at Harry as he smiles triumphantly.

"Thank you!" I said in my slightly raspy voice looking at them with my puffy eyes. It went on like this for a while until they were out of things to give me. To be honest, I'd rather have them not get me anything. I know it might sound weird but I don't like it when people spend money on me or go out of their way for me. I'd just rather not chance a possible negative reaction. It's just the way I grew up I guess.

The way I grew up wasn't the best. My dad was violent and my family never had enough money for anything, most nights as a child I went without eating. Not only because we didn't have food but because I felt worthless. I felt as if I was less then nothing, I was oddly overweight and had an acne problem from the age of 6. Even doctors didn't understand! Also on the note of doctors, I was always in and out of hospitals. I was either to the point of surgery my mom couldn't pay for or everyone in the medical field questioning whether I would survive. Due to being in the hospital constantly I missed a lot of kindergarten so I wasn't able to read on my own until second grade, and even then I wasn't very good. The only things good about my life were music and math. Yeah I know I'm a really young nerd but it's true! I understood math perfectly due to my older sister making me do her homework for her. She went from getting F's to A's and no one knew what was going on. Until they noticed the handwriting difference.

I did math for fun. Yup my family was that poor. Although I won't complain too much. I felt so happy to finally understand something and know it couldn't be taken away like everything else I loved.

Music was different. Music consumed me and made me happy. I dreamed of growing up to be the smartest and most talented singer i could possibly be. I also dreamed of never having anyone feel pain besides myself. But things don't work out that way, at least not when you're six and are told that you have the thoughts of a 13 year old.

Life was amazing for me once. Or from what I remember it was. There was a time in my life when it was almost like I had a whole family. A family with no chunks missing and gaps in between. But I was four, what should I know? My life was wake up, go to preschool, and go home. Nothing too special.

Most people can't recall their first memory but mine might as well be written in sharpie. I was two years old and me and my family lived with my Grandmother, I remember crying in a closet with no light able to creep in from the tiny cracks. The hate filled words repeating in my head that were spat at me in a deep drugged voice.

"Daddy? What are you doing?" I questioned scared that he was in pain.

"Don't call me Daddy!!" He yelled at me face red hot with angry and eyes clouded by the effects of the drugs. "I'm not your father!!!" he screamed pointing at my small shaking body while stepping closer. I was terrified, terrified of my own father. It was proven that he is my father by multiple tests and how we look so similar, I don't know if it's a good thing that he's my dad but I can't change anything that's already happened.
"I'll never love you! You are nothing to me! You're nothing to everyone!" That's what scares me most in life. The fact that I was so young and still remembered every detail down to what he was wearing. I think of it everyday. I think of why I still remember it and why i still cry. I think of why my dad will never love me. I think of why anyone would ever think of me more then nothing.