My Way

Chapter 2

At times I was in denial...
I would still text Joey.. knowing that he wouldn't respond. It burned a spot in my chest every time and I blocked his number so that I can stop doing dumb shit.
Once I snapped back into reality, I apologized to myself.. to my soul.
I wasn't understanding myself, but this was not who I was before Joey... but I think whoever I end up with will require lots of love and affection because I always want to give it to who I'm intact with.
Everyone receives different versions of me, but nobody really gets the better version. I try to keep that part of me away from guys because I've never felt appreciated.. and now that I'm traumatized at how quickly things went left between Joey and I..I'm terrified that it may happen again.

You ever felt like shit was your fault? When it has absolutely nothing to do with you?!

Over some more time, that feeling faded away and I was completely over it.. and sure if it.

Even after the trauma...
I'll never forget how a tsunami took me under.
I'll never forget the thirst and hunger, it left me for it.. all to create a monster.
And though I hate storms, I also became one..
Thunder..
I turned quiet but my soul made a lot of noise, and my eyes saw nothing but "destroy the boys".
I've got a grudge with the gender ... I'm a hypocrite..
Because I love my daddy unconditionally...
Why can't men be authentic.. they be fishing for me.. to catch a vibe with some lies, fake intimacy.. and throw me back in the water with no diplomacy.

I remember when drowning... I refused to die.. I refused to lose ME under that water.. so I prayed with all I had in me.. I prayed cause I could barely breathe.. there was no land.. there was no hope.. there were no people.. there were no boats. I turned my hurt into survival mode.. I couldn't swim.. I had to turn on my back.. and float..

I want to be a lawyer someday.. not somebody's joke.

And after the tsunami was overpowered by my monster, all the fuck niggas that approaches me will be taken out to a dumpster.
My heart does have room for goons and goblins. Im a ballerina.. yet.. I'm a fuckin problem. I can pour out love.. I can dump you in the garbage. I can give you peace.. I can give you fuckin heartaches.

And headaches, and migraines... drinking problems and muscles strains.. I'll drive you to methamphetamine, if you think you'll just drive me insane...

Instead of pain.. can someone just make me smile again.. can I give my soul a reason to run wild again.. it's fucked up how I have to live my life caged in .. to protect me from the fuck ups who try to lie their way in.
Where do I go from here?
Dog everything with balls?
Give out my number, ignore everyone's calls?

I don't have much time on my hands to be doing stupid shit..
I have to finish this story.. it's an accomplished.