Serenity

i

breathe in. try to bring light from the clear green container - two, no, three times - until the flame emerges. breathe out. put it down. breathe in. bring your fingers up to the long white stick in your chapped lips. breathe out, and watch the smoke drift away. hear the hushed chatter in the room over. you know what's going on, but you try to ignore it, because if you know what's going on, you could lose everything. "Meredith, you can't be here." he speaks up. you take one last drag and put it out as your legs bring you to the room down the hall. you look through the creeked door. light pink walls with little flowers painted over them. on the bed was your little girl, sleeping peacefully, innocently.

you walk away and in the next room over you sit until your eyes begin to close. he's still not in finished with his work.

dreams bring you to a place you are with him and your daughter. white walls. winding staircases. sunny windows. a life where you are happy, safe. a time when there are no worries, no eminent fears of it all crashing down. a moment when you know that when it happens, you won't do it for him, you won't sacrifice your daughter. 

but you know that place does not exist. you know what you will do when it happens, and you hate yourself for it.

"Meredith?" he walks in. 

"Hey babe." you smile. 

"You okay?"

"Yeah." 

"How's Gabby?"

"Asleep." you answer. "How was your day?"

"Good." shifts off his clothes and slips into bed next to you.

"How're the guys?" you slide closer to him.

"They're good. Y'know Jimmy's sister just had a baby?" 

"Nice." it grows silent. you love him, you love him with all your heart, but every effort you make to spark something in him fails.

"I love you." you whisper. you both move into a comfortable sleeping position. He switches off the light and kisses you. No answer.

You stupid girl, you think to yourself. Because you're risking your life for a man who barely loves you back. But you're okay with it, because he is most of your life, and you can't live without him. You stupid, reckless, irrational, girl.