All Too Well

Prolouge

The moment you saw Wanda fade away into dust, you began screaming. Your voice blew the Wakandan jungle apart, leveling the terrain nearly a hundred meters out. Sobs echoed loudly in the surrounding nature, reverberating and crashing back into you.

You saw Steve in the distance, looking older and more numb than you'd seen him before. He was waiting for you to stop, so he could safely approach; he'd fallen victim to your sonic-scream once before and had no intention of repeating the experience.

You sucked in a few shuddering breaths and fell silent, nodding your head to signal you were done. Steve approached, calm and collected.

"Bucky?" you asked, voice hardly above a whisper in fear of losing your already slipping control.

The tightening of his jaw and small jerk of his head let you know what happened. He'd just lost his best friend after getting him back, again . You so desperately wanted to comfort him but there was no way to properly do so.

Steve's once light blue eyes were cold and dark, detached from the hellscape he was facing.

"Alright. Let's count the..." He paused, unsure of what state those who had been "dusted" were in, "Count who we lost."

He walked away silently, not once offering you a sign of comfort.

Nearly a month later when Steve and the rest of the team returned from their mission in space, you knew.

They'd failed.

Steve never spoke to you about losing Bucky, but to be fair you didn't have the strength to talk about Wanda either, much less Natasha when you'd thought her gone forever. Your days together were spent in a numbing daze, a hollow silence filling most of your time.

Each night you lay in bed together he falls asleep first, heavy and hard. He didn't struggle with nightmares like you did. You felt so alone even though he was merely inches away.

Eventually, you decided to postpone the wedding, feeling as if it wouldn't be right to have it without everyone you loved there, even the "blipped."

The years past and you and Steve fell into a comfortable rhythm of pretending to be okay. You hoped and prayed that the ever growing distance between the two of you would fade either with time or when you finally avenged the lost. That hope was the only thing keeping your relationship together.

After the fight with Thanos, you tended to the wounded, hugging and crying at all the familiar faces that surrounded you, faces you'd thought lost forever. Your reunion with Wanda included so much hugging, you were confident you would have a small arm shaped bruise forever indebted into your ribs. You didn't mind.

You noticed Steve's absence as you helped console Peter, who'd just seen his mentor fall into a terrible coma, once he feared he could never wake from. You'd last spoken to Steve after he lifted Mjölnir, but hadn't seen him much since. You assumed he too was reconnecting with his lost comrades.

After Steve returned from returning the stones, bringing Natasha with him, a new hope bloomed in your chest. You began to think that everything could go back to the way it was, before Thanos, before he left the Avengers, back when you were happy together. You were practically buzzing with excitement upon his return, finally ready to share your news with him.

Your curious eyes watched from afar as he handed Sam his shield, confused by the gesture. He'd mentioned retiring but I thought he would've told me first, you thought. His sad eyes caught yours.

"Take a walk with me, Y/N," He said, holding out his hand for you to hold. You strolled around the green field, taking in the sights, feeling so much joy.

"Steve I-" you started, about to tell him your secret.

"Y/N I need to go."

"What?" you asked, very confused, "But, you-you just got back?"

"I know," he sighed, his brow furrowing.

"I've been thinking about this a lot, and I love you Y/N, I really do but..."

You could feel your heart cracking, wanting to run away but feeling all too rooted in the ground.

"It's Peggy, isn't it?" you asked, voice quivering but still hushed. You'd always been aware of his connection to his former love, Peggy Carter, even eighty years later, still kept home in your Steve's mind.

"Listen, I love you, but-"

"You love her more." you state as fact. It wasn't a question anymore. His face fell, but he nodded, guilt coating his beautiful features. You forced your lips to turn upwards into a small smile. You walked him back to the spot where he'd just returned, shoving the secret you held in your heart deep down, hoping to never have to find it.

You stayed silent, ignoring the questioning eyes of Bucky and Sam, you stood as plainly as possible, imaging yourself as a statue. Unmoving, unfeeling. Seeing him leave, you kept a straight face.

He waved sadly as he left, but you could see the eagerness in his eyes, so excited to return to his first love. Maybe even his only love.

The moment Steve's body was out of sight, you collapsed, only being held up by Sam and Bucky.

"Y/N?!" They called, voices fading out.

You welcomed the darkness eagerly, the positive pregnancy test in your back pocket pulling you to the ground like an anchor.