My Lovesick Zombie Boy Band (& weirder tales)

Cthul-You

When I first heard about Cthul-You I was skeptical to say the least. Like most people I thought anything that promised so much had to be bogus. Like the sites for BDSM fanboys populated by 24,753 lonely I.T. technicians seeking submissive female slaves, and…NO submissive females waiting to be enslaved. I was glad that kind of thing wasn’t really my scene, but then being a follower of the occult wasn’t any easier. So when the e-mail that would ultimately lead me to my dark lord and master appeared in my Inbox, you can be sure I had my reservations.

Sometimes in life it’s the way you stumble into things that makes them special. A friend told me about some other friend who swore they could forward me some e-mail with a link in that would take me to the only site of its type on the net. From the get go, the site strikes me as interesting.  Usually the photos of animal sacrifice are obvious fakes, but here you could almost hear them squealing beneath the blade. You could tell that the guy advertising for a demonic soul mate was displaying real horns, not the joke shop variety. All the pics here were real original. REAL original. And they got me real excited.

So I signed up.

Now if I wasn’t sold before, this hooked me. At first I took it as a problem. I’m typing in my member name – TYPHINE2352BC – when a little red ‘Name Already Registered’ sign flashes up. This surprises me. I use that name everywhere. TYPHINE is my favourite non-corporeal daemon entity. 2352BC is the date of the last true pan astral invasion. Maybe five other people in the world could tell you who or what Typhine is, and the debate is still raging about whether pan astral planes even exist, let alone invade. Finding these combined together? Never gonna happen. Before I know it I’ve hit ‘ENTER’. I’m expecting a rejection but instead a profile page comes up. In my name. My real name. The one my mum who wouldn’t sleep well if she knew I was a ‘cultist calls me. Whadaya know. I think. I already joined.

But I didn’t.

But I am.

Whoever did join me, they didn’t pick up the tab. It takes a while for the payment screen to load and I’m shuffling through for my plastic. Fifty bucks. I think to myself. I’ll pay fifty bucks and not a cent more. Of course this place surprises me again.  Instead of the boxes for my credit card number, there are pull down menus for date of birth and they are like super accurate. Who knows when they were born to the second? At the bottom of the page where I’d expect to see VISA, MASTERCARD and PAYPAL logos are a bunch of arcane sigils so small I can barely read them. I scroll through it until I reach ‘I understand the conditions under which I enter into this agreement’ and tick ‘ACCEPT’. Nobody ever reads the legalese.

Race: Mortal. 

Body: Human, Obese

Smokes: No 

Drinks: Rarely 

Drugs: Ceremonial Only

Sacrifices: Everyday 

Languages: English (fluent), Latin, Sumerian, Klingon.

I am looking for…

A genuine, involved and determined demonic entity. I have had too many experiences of dark powers whose only interest is in making themselves look ‘bad’. I want to see this world destroyed. I want you to want that too.

My Life…

I work in a BurgerBoy because people make me sick, and at BurgerBoy I get to make people sick. I only eat BurgerBoy’s and now weigh eighteen stone. I want to be obese. When this world burns my flesh will fuel the flames.