Begin Again

11 | Leave No Trace

"We need to face what we are. All of what we are, especially the parts that hurt." - Sara Raasch

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Insomnia kicked in before I had a say and awoke every one of my senses. Frustrated with my inability to sleep, I stare up at my tent and pretend it's my room's ceiling. I check the time on my phone and the clock strikes midnight.   

I sit up abruptly and unravel my braid to gather my hair into a ponytail. I reach for my leftover bag of gummy worms, then leave my tent to get fresh air. I feel immediate relief when I step outside, and quietly walk to a reasonable distance from the tents.

Crickets sing while I search for the log I spotted earlier. I am convinced I stepped into a nightmare when I recognize Roy sitting on the very log I wanted to claim.

I stop in my tracks then, wondering if I should leave him alone. But instead, I find myself walking in his direction and I tell myself it's because I'm too tired to avoid him. Roy doesn't hear me approach him and if he did, he shows no sign of it.

"Roy?" I ask.

"Yeah, it's me." He confirms.

I proceed further, until I'm standing behind the log. I debate whether to sit beside him or if I should find my own spot when he interrupts my decision making.

"What are you doing up?" He asks and I feel his hot stare on me.

"Couldn't sleep." I said with a sigh, staring ahead.

"Did Ben's snoring wake you up too?" Roy asks and I stifle a laugh.

"No." I said quickly, trying to contain my laughter. "I simply couldn't sleep."

I look to my feet, feeling his gaze on me again. I don't dare look at him, afraid to read his expression.

"Do you mind if I sit?" I ask.

"No. I never mind you being around." Roy says.

His tone is serious, but with his back to me I can't tell if he's lying. I cautiously sit beside him on the log and place my hands on my knees.

"I couldn't sleep either." He said quietly, as he threw a small pebble into the water.

We watch the pebble skip in the water and it reminds me of the times we did that as kids.

"My mom once told me, she loves the midnight version of people, because they are vulnerable, honest, and real." Roy breaks the silence.

"Really? That's a good one. My mom has a different theory. She says, 'the only people awake past midnight, are the stupid, the intelligent and the people in love.'" I inform him.

"Why them?" Roy asks.

I look up at the darkened sky, my eyes lingering on the blazing stars. I smile at the memory of me asking my mom the same thing.

"She says the stupid are awake, because that's when they realize their mistakes..." I pause, wanting to laugh at the irony of it all. "And the intelligent are awake because that's when they're most creative. And I think the last one speaks for itself."

"She isn't wrong." Roy says, throwing another rock in the water.

"I guess not, but if she isn't, then what are we?" I dare to ask. 

"I don't know. I'd like to know that myself." Roy said, then after a few moments, he adds, "I'm definitely not creative."

I dare myself to look at him, finding his eyes on me and my heart plummets in response.